31days // On Shame

Before I even dive into today's post, I just want to issue one giant thank you. You guys are so amazing. I am so blessed by you, all of you. Thank you for taking this journey with me, this journey down memory lane. This journey where I can dig deep into my heart and spill out all of my thoughts on purity. I am so thankful that I have this space to come and write. It's healing and freeing and exhilarating all at the same time. And it is my prayer that it is healing and freeing and exhilarating for you, too. 

As I'm writing this post, I have This Is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham playing on repeat. This song has a special place in my heart. On my birthday this year, we went to a local worship concert. Phil Wickham was among the amazing lineup that we were blessed to listen to. 

For those that don't know, my birthday this year was more than just a typical celebration of life. It marks my sobriety, because on that day, I ran straight into the Lord's arms to find freedom to abstain from alcohol. I wrote a little bit about that here and here, if you wanted to read more on that.

{ Funny story, I just changed the title of this post because it's going in an entirely different direction than I planned. I really meant it in the beginning, when I said I don't have a schedule, I don't have a plan. I'll just be praying my little heart out, and plopping myself on the floor with my laptop once a day to see what happens (excerpt from this post). }

The Lord spoke something to me today. He reminded me that He is in the business of making beautiful beginnings out of painful endings. I've experienced that a lot in my life, and for that, I am thankful. My birthday this year was a painful day. I was battling a lot of shame, shame that I was choosing to carry, choosing to put on myself. 

Like I said here, my walk on the path of purity is rarely a graceful one. And on this particular day, I was feeling defeated. I was feeling discouraged, disappointed and stuck. 

I think it was no coincidence that I spent this day at a worship concert, where I had no choice but to listen to truth blasting in my ears. I will never forget the defining moment when This is Amazing Grace came on. 

I stood up, raised my hands as high as they could go, and belted out those lyrics. I could feel the grace, I could feel that it was right there within reach. All I had to do was grab it, but in order to do that, I had to let go of my shame. 

And so, I did. I grabbed a hold of it, and held on for dear life. I held on to the truth that I know to be true. Truth in the fact that I don't have to be perfect, because I have a perfect Savior who died just for that reason. Truth in the fact that I can find freedom, in the Spirit of the Lord. 

And I did find freedom on that day. Haven't had a sip of alcohol since. {Praise the Lord!}

With all of that truth flooding into my mind, there was no room for shame. That's how our God works, He shatters condemnation, and lies. And He replaces them with His love, His mercy and His grace. 

My friends, if you are holding onto shame today, I have two words for you: Let go. 

Whatever it's from, however far back it goes, you don't have to hold it anymore. Find freedom in His grace, my beautiful friends. He loves you so darn much.