Legalism vs Redemption

I was chatting with a friend last week about the conundrum of grace. She vulnerably shared about a situation she was facing, and how sometimes, the deeper challenge is not in apologizing, but in accepting forgiveness. Sometimes, we feel so uncomfortable with the concept of grace, that we would prefer the playing field just be leveled.

I mess up, you mess up, we're even. We move on. 

It may sound twisted, but I understood perfectly. I got how difficult it can feel for our human heart to be handed unwarranted forgiveness, a new slate so to speak. 

I thought about how Jesus' love has taught me to lay down & accept grace when my heart wants to feel justified and "safe." I thought about how this has rolled into my relationship, allowing me to accept forgiveness where I previously would have fought it. 

And then this weekend happened, and I realized that maybe I don't have as big of a grasp on this "free grace" thing as I thought. 

Because the world is ridiculously small, a man that I had crossed paths with 2 and a half years ago on a pre-#adventuresofsoberamy outing somehow collided with one of my good friends. When she asked if I remembered him, I legitimately did not. It took a few Facebook profile pictures to jog my memory, though there wasn't that good of a memory to jog in the first place. 

I felt perfectly safe laughing with my two good friends over this drunken, relatively harmless escapade, but once I realized that this man's image of me did not include the previous 2 years of sobriety, I felt the need to justify myself. The words "tell him I'm 2 years sober and love Jesus now!" flew straight out of my mouth. 

I felt uncomfortably thick in shame that I haven't felt in some time. And in that moment, it seemed like the only way out of that shame was through self-justification. 

I am sober now, therefore my identity is no longer marked by drunken stories. 

I am sober now, therefore my transgressions do not define me. 

I am sober now, therefore I am redeemed. 

And in that moment, I realized that at some point in the last 2 years of sobriety, I got things very, very backwards. 

Sobriety does not redeem my past, 

Jesus redeemed my past. 

All of a sudden, I realized that my salvation and redemption felt safe when seen through the lens of my sobriety. But when that was taken out of the equation, when all that was evident were stories of drunken escapades, I didn't feel redeemed. 

Sobriety was a gift from God, but somewhere along the way, it started taking His place.

God is my redeemer, not sobriety. 

God is the one who frees me from shame, not sobriety. 

Christ is the reason I can stand before God with confidence, not sobriety. 

Sobriety came from the grace of God as a response to the redemption being accomplished in my heart. It was never meant to earn or justify my salvation. 

I used to think legalism was all about putting on a front for others, but now I see that it can easily be used as a front for ourselves. Because accepting free grace? It feels uncomfortable and unnatural. We would much rather feel as though we've safely earned something than freely and undeservingly received it. 

I want to stop trying to earn grace. Because the fact of the matter is, thanks to my homeboy Jesus, it's already mine to receive. 

I want to stop using sobriety as a security blanket to hide from shame. Instead, I want to accept the truth that my identity has been reformed from the inside out simply because I am radically loved by God.

Radically loved, I tell you. 

{PS: you are too}

31days // On Shame

Before I even dive into today's post, I just want to issue one giant thank you. You guys are so amazing. I am so blessed by you, all of you. Thank you for taking this journey with me, this journey down memory lane. This journey where I can dig deep into my heart and spill out all of my thoughts on purity. I am so thankful that I have this space to come and write. It's healing and freeing and exhilarating all at the same time. And it is my prayer that it is healing and freeing and exhilarating for you, too. 

As I'm writing this post, I have This Is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham playing on repeat. This song has a special place in my heart. On my birthday this year, we went to a local worship concert. Phil Wickham was among the amazing lineup that we were blessed to listen to. 

For those that don't know, my birthday this year was more than just a typical celebration of life. It marks my sobriety, because on that day, I ran straight into the Lord's arms to find freedom to abstain from alcohol. I wrote a little bit about that here and here, if you wanted to read more on that.

{ Funny story, I just changed the title of this post because it's going in an entirely different direction than I planned. I really meant it in the beginning, when I said I don't have a schedule, I don't have a plan. I'll just be praying my little heart out, and plopping myself on the floor with my laptop once a day to see what happens (excerpt from this post). }

The Lord spoke something to me today. He reminded me that He is in the business of making beautiful beginnings out of painful endings. I've experienced that a lot in my life, and for that, I am thankful. My birthday this year was a painful day. I was battling a lot of shame, shame that I was choosing to carry, choosing to put on myself. 

Like I said here, my walk on the path of purity is rarely a graceful one. And on this particular day, I was feeling defeated. I was feeling discouraged, disappointed and stuck. 

I think it was no coincidence that I spent this day at a worship concert, where I had no choice but to listen to truth blasting in my ears. I will never forget the defining moment when This is Amazing Grace came on. 

I stood up, raised my hands as high as they could go, and belted out those lyrics. I could feel the grace, I could feel that it was right there within reach. All I had to do was grab it, but in order to do that, I had to let go of my shame. 

And so, I did. I grabbed a hold of it, and held on for dear life. I held on to the truth that I know to be true. Truth in the fact that I don't have to be perfect, because I have a perfect Savior who died just for that reason. Truth in the fact that I can find freedom, in the Spirit of the Lord. 

And I did find freedom on that day. Haven't had a sip of alcohol since. {Praise the Lord!}

With all of that truth flooding into my mind, there was no room for shame. That's how our God works, He shatters condemnation, and lies. And He replaces them with His love, His mercy and His grace. 

My friends, if you are holding onto shame today, I have two words for you: Let go. 

Whatever it's from, however far back it goes, you don't have to hold it anymore. Find freedom in His grace, my beautiful friends. He loves you so darn much. 

He Took our Shame

Shame [sheym]

Noun

1. The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another. She was overcome by shame.

2. Susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.

3. Disgrace; ignominy: His actions brought shame upon his parents. 

{According to Dictionary.com)

February 8th, 2013

7:00AM

I learned this week how important it is that you removed our shame. You removed our shame not so that we can continue sinning, but so that we can be healed. Without shame, we are free to share our weaknesses and struggles, and that is when we open our hearts to you. By making ourselves vulnerable, we allow your healing hand into our burdened hearts. 

By removing our shame, you made it so we can learn from each other. Our weaknesses and struggles gain purpose when they point others to you. 

We are also able to form true and lasting friendships when we are able to look at our brothers and sisters and say "Here is my heart, stains and all."

When we present our stains, you are ready with open arms to cleanse our hearts. 

I wanted to share that excerpt from my journal.

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly thankful that Jesus came and removed our shame. 

The shame that will tempt me to keep my struggles hidden. The shame that tries to convince me that I will never live up to God's expectations, and therefore am unworthy of His love. The shame that Satan uses to taint my view of myself, a child created in the image of God.

Do you ever feel that shame? 

Well, if you do, I have good news.

Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. 

The shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood will be remembered no more, 

for your Creator will be your husband.

The Lord Almighty is His name!

He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,

the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54: 4-5

That is truth, my friends. 

So let's walk in that today, shall we? We are redeemed by the Lord Almighty. And we are free to walk in His love, rather than our shame. 

Goodbye shame. You will not be missed.