Legalism vs Redemption

I was chatting with a friend last week about the conundrum of grace. She vulnerably shared about a situation she was facing, and how sometimes, the deeper challenge is not in apologizing, but in accepting forgiveness. Sometimes, we feel so uncomfortable with the concept of grace, that we would prefer the playing field just be leveled.

I mess up, you mess up, we're even. We move on. 

It may sound twisted, but I understood perfectly. I got how difficult it can feel for our human heart to be handed unwarranted forgiveness, a new slate so to speak. 

I thought about how Jesus' love has taught me to lay down & accept grace when my heart wants to feel justified and "safe." I thought about how this has rolled into my relationship, allowing me to accept forgiveness where I previously would have fought it. 

And then this weekend happened, and I realized that maybe I don't have as big of a grasp on this "free grace" thing as I thought. 

Because the world is ridiculously small, a man that I had crossed paths with 2 and a half years ago on a pre-#adventuresofsoberamy outing somehow collided with one of my good friends. When she asked if I remembered him, I legitimately did not. It took a few Facebook profile pictures to jog my memory, though there wasn't that good of a memory to jog in the first place. 

I felt perfectly safe laughing with my two good friends over this drunken, relatively harmless escapade, but once I realized that this man's image of me did not include the previous 2 years of sobriety, I felt the need to justify myself. The words "tell him I'm 2 years sober and love Jesus now!" flew straight out of my mouth. 

I felt uncomfortably thick in shame that I haven't felt in some time. And in that moment, it seemed like the only way out of that shame was through self-justification. 

I am sober now, therefore my identity is no longer marked by drunken stories. 

I am sober now, therefore my transgressions do not define me. 

I am sober now, therefore I am redeemed. 

And in that moment, I realized that at some point in the last 2 years of sobriety, I got things very, very backwards. 

Sobriety does not redeem my past, 

Jesus redeemed my past. 

All of a sudden, I realized that my salvation and redemption felt safe when seen through the lens of my sobriety. But when that was taken out of the equation, when all that was evident were stories of drunken escapades, I didn't feel redeemed. 

Sobriety was a gift from God, but somewhere along the way, it started taking His place.

God is my redeemer, not sobriety. 

God is the one who frees me from shame, not sobriety. 

Christ is the reason I can stand before God with confidence, not sobriety. 

Sobriety came from the grace of God as a response to the redemption being accomplished in my heart. It was never meant to earn or justify my salvation. 

I used to think legalism was all about putting on a front for others, but now I see that it can easily be used as a front for ourselves. Because accepting free grace? It feels uncomfortable and unnatural. We would much rather feel as though we've safely earned something than freely and undeservingly received it. 

I want to stop trying to earn grace. Because the fact of the matter is, thanks to my homeboy Jesus, it's already mine to receive. 

I want to stop using sobriety as a security blanket to hide from shame. Instead, I want to accept the truth that my identity has been reformed from the inside out simply because I am radically loved by God.

Radically loved, I tell you. 

{PS: you are too}

What I Learned

10 weeks ago, I started a journey called #amydoesseminary. 

70 days were spent reading through the book of Leviticus, and I'd like to think I walked out different than when I walked in. 

I signed up for the class as a fluke, testing to see if any classes were still open. I had probably tried about 6 other classes before typing in the code for Leviticus, and when I saw I got in, I immediately dropped the course. I didn't have any interest in trudging through the book of the law, but after reading the description and the requirements, I realized my mistake. I had to call and get a one-time-only exception to re-add the course I had dropped, and as I snagged the last remaining spot, thus began my study of Leviticus. 

I learned a lot in these past 10 weeks. The girl who thrived under the pressure of school all of her life suddenly found herself overwhelmed with stress. It didn't make any logical sense; I enjoyed what I was studying, only had one course load to manage, understood the material, and typically enjoyed writing about scripture. So why the unexpected anxiety? 

I don't know if there's a clear answer, but here's what I do know: I'm thankful for that stress. I'm thankful that it forced me to take some deep breaths, and completely sift through everything I've ever believed about school. I had to ask myself, why am I doing this? Am I doing it to get straight A's? Or am I doing it to learn? There was never any doubt that the answer was the later, so I was forced to reframe what my 25 year old mind has always believed about success. 

You see, my entire life I measured success by the outcome. A successful course received a good grade; it didn't matter how long I retained the information so long as my report card displayed 'success.' Seminary school has brought me to a new measurement style.

Am I learning? If the answer is yes, then I'm doing what I'm supposed to. If the answer is yes, then I've got myself success. 

So now let's ask the question: did I learn something? Besides some personal growth, did I learn anything biblically? 

Absolutely. 

I had read Leviticus before, multiple times in fact. But though I had read it, I had really only skimmed it. I had really only read out of obedience, rather than seeking to learn something. 

This time was different. Perhaps it was essays and homework assignments that forced me to go deeper, or perhaps it was the aid of some incredibly insightful and wise commentaries {it was definitely both}, but either way, this time I learned more than just how to obediently read scripture that doesn't appear applicable anymore.

This time, I gained a deeper understanding of the beauty and necessity of the law. You know that statement of Jesus', "I didn't come to abolish the law, I came to fulfill it?" I get it now. 

I get that the law was given out of love. I knew that before, but now I understand it. Funny how there can be a big difference, right? Between knowing something, and understanding it. Now, I understand that the law was designed to protect what God designed for good. God designed man to live in harmony with all the earth, rule over its inhabitants for their protection, and enjoy fellowship with the one and only God. 

So when you read laws about agriculture and farming? It's so that man can live in harmony with all the earth. And when you read laws about dietary restraints? It's so that man can rule over the animal kingdom for their protection, not for their harm. And when you read laws about maintaining holiness? It's so that man can enjoy fellowship with a holy God. 

How frustrating is it to be forced to follow a law that doesn't make sense? (Speed limits and red lights when there is no one else on the road, anyone?) It can spark a reluctant and rebellious heart, that's for sure. Understanding the meaning and intention behind the law changes everything. It illuminates the fact that our God is worth obeying because He loves us, not because He is a distant tyrant. 

To close out this post, I want to say a giant thank you. Thank you to everyone who read one of my (multiple) SOS PRAYER posts on Instagram, and prayed. In the moments where I was desperate enough to publicize my melt downs, those prayers were game changers. 

You guys are all game changers, though. I hope you know that. I started this blog in quite possibly the most distant position I had ever been from God, and somehow, He met me in this space. So from the very bottom of my heart, thank you for being a part of it. 

If you obey my decrees and my regulations, 

you will find life through them. 

I am the Lord. 

Leviticus 18:5

Love Languages

I feel like everyone and their mother have heard of this by now, but if you haven't, allow me to explain it to you. There are these things called love languages. There are 5 of them, and they're supposed to be the 5 different ways that people can receive love. 

They are:

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Gifts

Acts of Service

Each of us receive love in different ways. Something that makes you feel extra loved may not necessarily make me feel extra loved, and vice versa. Maybe you feel the most loved when somebody surprises you with a gift, or perhaps when someone randomly washes your car, or makes you dinner during a particularly busy week. 

I feel extra loved when someone wants to carve out time in their schedule to spend time with little ol' me. Or when they walk up and give me a big giant hug. Or when they affirm me with their words, especially that one. 

Apparently, I have 3 love languages. I'm gonna look at that optimistically and say it'll make life much easier for my future husband when trying to show me love: bam. 

The point is, we each have very specific ways in which we feel loved. And the way we receive love is usually the way we give it, because you know, we think that's the best one based on our personal experience. 

I often show love by making coffee dates with my friends, and I always greet people with a hug. I do my best to affirm others with my words, because I know how far that goes with me. 

But what happens when the person I am showing love to has a love language of gifts or acts of service? A disconnect forms when I feel like I'm going above and beyond to show my love, but they aren't receiving any of it. 

So clearly, the key to a healthy relationship is communicating about love languages, and clearing up that disconnect by being attentive to the ways you each receive love. 

And clearly, I would know this because you know, I'm in a healthy, thriving relationship, and all.

{ba dum chhh}

I was sitting at church on Sunday, when a serious truth washed over me. I was thinking about this season of singleness, which can often feel like a season of waiting. The truth is, I'm waiting on the Lord & His perfect timing, but sometimes, it feels like I'm just waiting for Mr. Amy's Future Husband to appear. 

I'm finally learning what it means to be still. I'm learning how to soak up all that there is in this season, and not simply let my mind race to the next. I'm learning how to not just wait for marriage, but thrive in singleness. 

So as I'm sitting in church, I'm thinking about this whole waiting thing. I'm thinking about how one of my biggest love languages is words of affirmation, and how I'm not receiving that right now. 

But then it dawns on me: I am. I'm actually receiving it more than I ever have in my entire life. Because my ears are finally tuned to hear the words of affirmation that I receive from God. And that's huge. 

Baby tears welled up as I thought of all the ways that He affirms me daily. 

He calls me beautiful. {Psalm 45:10-11}

He tells me I am precious to Him. {Psalm 72:14}

He tells me I am strong. {Psalm 84:7}

He calls me His. {Jeremiah 32:38}

He says I am important, and I have a purpose. {Acts 26:16}

He considers me righteous. {Romans 4:23-24}

He calls me wanted. {Romans 8:15}

He tells me I am loved. {Romans 8:38-39}

And the list goes on and on. It's a little mind blowing, huh?

He is constantly showering us with love, encouragement & affirmation. But sometimes, just like in our relationships here, we don't receive it because we're on a different wavelength. 

Ya'll: let's receive it. Let's open our hearts to it. And if we don't know how, let's ask Him to help us. Let's ask Him to teach us to respond to the love language that is Him. After all, He is love, right? {1 John 4:8} 

He affirms us, holds us every step of the way. He is always desiring time with us, constantly showering us with gifts, and never ceases to serve. 

What will happen when we start receiving that Love? I've got two words for you. 

Game. Changer. 

31days // Mercy & Grace

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

// Hebrews 4:16 //

For a really long time, I didn't understand the difference between mercy and grace. I knew they were both good things from God, but that's about it. I thought maybe they were synonyms, but in the past few years I have learned that they are very, very different. 

Understanding what these things are, and how our God so freely gives them, has made the world of a difference in my pursuit of purity. I want to take some time today to dive into these things, and come back to that verse listed above to see what God says about them. 

{Happy Saturday, by the way!}

{mer-cy}

-kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could be treated harshly- (source)

I have come to understand that mercy is not getting what we deserve.  The fact of the matter is, we are all human. We all mess up, though our mess ups may look different. But the Bible clearly states that 

everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. {Romans 3:23}

God has every reason to punish us, ya'll, and yet He doesn't. He has every reason to give up on us due to our repeated shortcomings, and yet He doesn't. He had every reason to keep His son, as we were a rebellious creation, and yet He didn't. 

He doesn't punish us, because He doesn't see our sin. He never gives up on us, because of His love. And He didn't keep His son, He sent Him. 

That, my friends, is mercy. We could be treated very, very harshly, but instead, are treated with kindness and forgiveness. 

{grace}

-the free and unmerited favor of God- (source)

You see, grace and mercy are far from synonyms; they are opposites. While mercy is not getting what we deserve, grace is getting what we don't deserve. God doesn't just give us mercy. Mercy is saving us from an eternity away from Him, and God goes far beyond just that. He gives us Himself, now, as sinners. And that is grace. 

God has no reason to dwell with us, and yet He does. He has no reason to keep and keep and keep and keep forgiving us, and yet He does. He has no reason to promise to abide with us forever, through all of our shortcomings, and yet He does. 

We didn't earn any of these things, and we never could; that's why they are unmerited. But regardless, He does dwell with us, He does forgive us, and He does abide with us. 

With understanding of these two incredible gifts of God, we can go back to that verse in Hebrews and understand the power of it. There's one other word that is bolded (pun unintentional, but I'll take it!): boldly. 

These gifts are ours as children of God. We don't need to timidly approach Him anymore, we can boldly approach Him! We can confidently approach Him, knowing that these gifts will be ours for the taking. 

I have finally come to understand that I will never deserve these gifts. They are not dependent on my obedience, that's just not how God works. And praise Him! Because understanding this has freed me from striving, when the striving is unnecessary. And quite honestly, the striving doesn't get me anywhere. 

What does get me somewhere is understanding the amazing and unfailing love of our God. A God who so freely gives mercy and grace, even though we don't deserve it. 

The pursuit of purity may be a challenging one at times, but when I grab hold of God and who He is, He will never fail to help me. 

Be blessed, loves. :)

31days // Truth for Thursday

I wrote out a post for today. It was a long one, and I almost finished it. But I just didn't feel the peace that I've had with posts 1 through 9. So, I listened. I saved the draft, closed the window, and picked up my Bible instead. 

I found this verse, which seems to match perfectly with yesterday's post. 

Here's some truth for your Thursday:

His words are way better than mine, anyway. 

Some truth for your Monday

Happy Monday, friends!

Maybe you're like me, and maybe your Monday didn't start out quite so "happy." Maybe you woke up and just thought "you know what, I'd rather not today."

I couldn't even tell you why. All I know is I woke up today and my heart hurt. It hurt real bad. And I don't think I even realized it until the song "You are wanted" by Dara Maclean came on and the tears started streaming. 

Do you ever beat yourself up when you're feeling sad? Tell yourself you're over reacting because you have countless blessings to be happy about, and so and so has far more tragic things going on? 

I feel that all. the. time. Feel like I'm being too emotional, too sensitive, too ________ (fill in the blank with your adjective of choice). 

But I realized this morning that those are all so far from the truth. I have a Father in heaven who understands why each and every tear falls from my eyes, even when I don't. I have a Father in heaven who understands what causes those heavy-hearted mornings, even when I don't. 

I have a Father in heaven who created emotions to be felt. And boy, do I feel them. 

But I love that about myself. I love that I feel pain. I feel disappointment and heart ache, and I run straight to my Father's arms with them. 

Because you know what comes along with feeling pain? Feeling joy. God's joy. 

And feeling love. God's love. 

And that kind of joy and love? It can't be found in this world. It can only be found through the Holy Spirit bringing the beauty of another world straight into our hearts. 

God directed me to Jeremiah 14:19-22 this morning. I often get verses in my head and they rarely ever apply to what I'm going through. But this morning? God nailed it. 

The section title? "A Pray for Healing"

It was God's way of telling me that I may not understand where this morning's heart ache came from. But He sure does. And you bet He's going to heal every ounce of that pain. 

So I will wait for You to help me, God. By golly, yes I will.

Advice

Over the years, I've learned that the best place to go to for advice is the Bible. 

Of course I still love to go dish my dirt to my girlfriends to hear what they have to say. But generally, I'll have confidence in what I'm doing if I know it lines up with the Word. 

So today, I give you some of the best biblical advice that I know of:

So point blank:

Trust God, He's got this. 

{And yet, why is that so hard for me to do sometimes?}

He Took our Shame

Shame [sheym]

Noun

1. The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another. She was overcome by shame.

2. Susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.

3. Disgrace; ignominy: His actions brought shame upon his parents. 

{According to Dictionary.com)

February 8th, 2013

7:00AM

I learned this week how important it is that you removed our shame. You removed our shame not so that we can continue sinning, but so that we can be healed. Without shame, we are free to share our weaknesses and struggles, and that is when we open our hearts to you. By making ourselves vulnerable, we allow your healing hand into our burdened hearts. 

By removing our shame, you made it so we can learn from each other. Our weaknesses and struggles gain purpose when they point others to you. 

We are also able to form true and lasting friendships when we are able to look at our brothers and sisters and say "Here is my heart, stains and all."

When we present our stains, you are ready with open arms to cleanse our hearts. 

I wanted to share that excerpt from my journal.

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly thankful that Jesus came and removed our shame. 

The shame that will tempt me to keep my struggles hidden. The shame that tries to convince me that I will never live up to God's expectations, and therefore am unworthy of His love. The shame that Satan uses to taint my view of myself, a child created in the image of God.

Do you ever feel that shame? 

Well, if you do, I have good news.

Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. 

The shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood will be remembered no more, 

for your Creator will be your husband.

The Lord Almighty is His name!

He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,

the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54: 4-5

That is truth, my friends. 

So let's walk in that today, shall we? We are redeemed by the Lord Almighty. And we are free to walk in His love, rather than our shame. 

Goodbye shame. You will not be missed. 

Some truth for your day

I hope it encourages you as much as it did me this morning. 

May your Monday be so, so blessed. 

Love you friends!