Thursday, October 3, 2013

31days // The Beginning

I don't know where it came from, the notion that a man's opinion carries such weight. 

My earliest memory of wanting a boy's attention goes all the way back to kindergarden. I was five years old, and apparently not very good at hiding my feelings. The older kids on the bus noticed that Amy had a crush. They noticed, and they teased me for it. To them, it was probably no big deal, just a silly little joke. But to the little kindergarden girl, being made fun of by the "big" kids was far from "no big deal." It was big enough to be remembered, nearly twenty years later. 

I remember in 4th grade when people started having "boyfriends". I'm not quite sure what exactly they did with these "boyfriends," besides pick each other whenever we did popcorn reading in class. I think we all knew these relationships were almost as real as playing make believe with our dolls. But looking around at the girls with these boyfriends, it sure felt like they were real. And even if they weren't, I wanted a fake boyfriend of my own. Someone to call mine. Or rather, someone who wanted to call me theirs. 

Once we got to middle school, the boyfriends started seeming a little more real. People had actually started touching one another, by holding hands or hugging. And they'd actually go on dates, to the movie theater or to our high school's football games. The relationships started lasting longer than a week, and I remember when all of my friends started having their first kisses. I would complain at sleepovers that everyone was having their first kiss but me. It was the familiar feeling of being on the outside of something that I desperately wanted to experience for myself. 

I started believing that my worth went down if I didn't have a man to feed my mind with affirmation. I have no idea where this came from, your guess is as good as mine. But it was real, and it had a powerful grip over me. You can only imagine my excitement when I finally did get that first kiss (truth or dare in a limo, talk about romantic), and that first boyfriend (it lasted a month, I broke up with him over the phone, and then dramatically threw my phone on the ground). 

But once I finally did get that affirmation? Well, you can probably guess that I did not want to let go. 


11 comments:

Evelien said...

You can't imagine how many times I've thrown my phone across the room over a boy. Hah!
Luckily, it was a Nokia. Those things survive e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.!!!

Heather Leigh @ Adifferent kind of woman said...

Oh girl!! I don't think a day went by in my single years where I didn't long for a man to call me his.

Hilda said...

You're not the only one. I too never had a boyfriend. And later on I realized a guy friend I hung out with was in love with me but he never said anything. Only stare.

It's natural for every girl to want a boyfriend and like my mom said, it's best to wait for the best. The other guys I liked were shy, quiet and one was a loser. Sorry for rambling.

I truly enjoyed your post, Amy. Can't wait to read more. ❤

Julie said...

Girl, I think you summed up how every single girl in existence has felt before. Thank you for being so REAL!

Leah said...

i need chapter 2 please!! so good amy. can't wait to keep reading!

Pamela said...

You are SUCH a good writer! It's crazy how we all go through something like this, even though some people act like that don't/haven't!

Amy Simcox said...

Hi Amy from another Amy! I found you through Kerrie's blog and am glad that I did. Looking forward to following you on bloglovin'!

katie_shannon said...

Gosh I remember those days longing for a real boyfriend like all my friends

Susannah said...

Oh girl, I remember those days far too well. As someone who didn't have a boyfriend until she was 20 (and it was a horrible, emotionally abusive relationship to boot) I definitely pined when all my friends got boyfriends and had their first kisses. Praise the Lord that He brought my hubby into my life!

Jennifer said...

Um, can I get an Amen in here? YES YES YES. this is a subject that is so dear to my heart. I have never felt the need for "outside" affirmation from guys, because Daddy and my (many) older brothers (some by birth, some who just decided to take care of me) have constantly told me that I'm beautiful, that I'm special and that I'm worth something.

my heart aches...it aches...when I realize that there are girls out there who just don't have that. it hurts to realize that they are seeking it in all the wrong places. and its so so sad that when they do find a guy that will give them that attention, they snatch it up and will almost always end up shattered by that guy later. I've seen it happen and I've been the one they come crying to, because they know I'm not seeking it. but its not something that we can just get rid of, because we were MADE that way. we can't NOT want that attention. its built in us. and some days its just so hard. even with a loving dad and brothers, some days, its hard.

I am really so excited about this series. and its like I'm reading a novel...except for its real and about a special friend of mine! its perfect! can't wait for the next part.

love you, Amy!

Ashley Shelley - The Christian Wife Life said...

I definitely felt the same way, and I too don't know WHERE that came from. I had awesome relationships with the male figures in my life so it wasn't because of that. Just me being selfish I guess and not looking to Jesus as my all! Thank you for sharing and being bold. Love ya :)