On Purity

First off, happy Friday!! I figured what better way to kick off Friday than with a super light post on purity. {read: sarcasm}

If you've been around for a while, you may know that this topic is a special one for me. It's the only topic that I've written about for 31 straight days, so there's that. It's one that I love for so many reasons, but for starters, because I can't possibly talk about purity without talking about redemption. 

The fact that I even get to have a voice about this is straight up God's grace at its finest. As a girl who lost her virginity in high school, I never, ever, thought I would get a second chance at innocence. I never imagined that purity is a gift that is given from God, not a title removable by a sexual act. 

I can vividly remember the moment God opened my heart to the idea of sexual purity. I can remember driving home to San Diego, hearing a familiar voice on the radio share a sermon about dating, and boom. It didn't matter that I had already "lost my shot" by the world's standard, I knew that I wanted to save myself for marriage. 

I've learned so much since that moment. God has been faithfully teaching me about purity, and I'm gonna keep it real here, some of it was through my own trial and error. 

Through that trial and error, I saw my own weakness. I saw that if I wanted a God-glorifying relationship, I couldn't do it alone. I needed a man equally committed to protecting the purity within our relationship, and praise Lord Jesus Himself, He gave me just that. 

I want to share the things that I'm learning here. I want to share to tell a story of God's redemption, to testify of the fact that He truly does make all things new. He forgives, and He restores, and He gives new life. 

I want to share to testify of His faithfulness, to reveal that He truly is strong in our weakness. Purity can never come from self-effort, it is always a result of the Spirit. And I, for one, want to see more of the Spirit in my life. I want to see and experience sexual purity that comes from a heart changed by God. That type of purity exists in singleness, and it exists in dating, and it exists in marriage. It's not meant for one season of life, it's meant for all of life. Period. 

I wrote about it in singleness, and now, I have the privilege of writing about it in dating. I have the privilege of sharing my struggles, and my lessons, and my victories. 

I share for one reason: to give Him glory. I share because it is only because of Him that I have this story to tell. And I share because He has given me a man who truly loves my passion to share it all to praise His name. I love him for that. 

Purity has nothing to do with physical actions, and everything to do with the heart. It's not something we do, or we find, or we achieve. It's something we experience through the power of the Holy Spirit within us. It's something we find through surrendering our whole heart to our mighty God. 

Purity is two fold, the desire and the power to do what pleases God. If we have the desire, and not the power, then we constantly find ourselves falling into sin. We want to live a life of purity, but without the power to do so, we're stuck in our fleshly habits. 

If we have the power without the desire, it does no good. What good is having the physical fitness required to run a marathon if I don't have the desire to run a marathon? 

It takes both; we must find both the desire and the power to do what pleases God. And those, my friends, are gifts from Jesus. Those we find when we accept the gift of relationship with God that was given to us when a Man hung on a cross for us. It wasn't earned, or deserved. It was given, and when we receive it, we feel the life-changing surge of the Holy Spirit, which gives us the desire and the power to do things we never imagined possible. 

31days // Accountability

Today, I'm here to talk accountability. And not to guilt you into sharing all that dirt in your closet. But because this is something that has truly transformed my pursuit of purity. It changed everything, guys. 

You see, I made the decision to pursue purity. And for the first few months, I was amazed at how simple it seemed. Boom, God flipped a switch in my heart, and suddenly I craved His way instead of my old sinful way. Or so it seemed, until one day it wasn't so simple. 

I look back now, and realize that it wasn't quite as black and white as I had thought. I was still very much allowing old habits to creep into my thoughts, and my lifestyle. It was only a matter of time before the temptation crept up, too. If I was still walking the same path, the destination wasn't going to change, no matter how much I wanted it to.  

And so, I reached a point where I was very much living a double life. I was going to bible study, getting plugged into in my community group, and attending church every week. I knew I wanted to strive for purity in relationships, but my actions weren't matching my intentions, because I was knee deep in a battle of sin. A battle that no one really knew about, or at least no one who could pour truth into me. 

I knew I couldn't do it, keep up this balancing act. I had to choose, continue living my old life and give up the new one, or ditch the old one completely. Why was it one or the other? Because living with one foot in each left me miserable in both. And honestly, I knew what I had to choose. I couldn't go back to the old life, not when I knew the new one was the only way. I had tasted Jesus, and there was no way in heck I was giving that up. 

So something had to change, and thankfully, God helped me figure that out. I met a friend for lunch one day, right in the thick of my intense battle with sin. I didn't mention it to her at the time, but instead, I listened to the beautiful love story that God was writing her. Tears fell from my eyes as I realized He wanted to write one for me, too. And this entangled mess of temptation and sin was not what His story included. 

There is no doubt in my mind that what happened next was from God Himself. Through teary eyes, I asked this friend if she would consider mentoring me. I told her she should most definitely pray about it, but she didn't have to. She said yes right away. 

This woman was by far the most Spirit filled person I had ever met. I met her on the Boston Prayer Tour, and I am fairly certain that she literally mentioned Jesus to every single person we encountered that weekend. If you had told me then, that she would become the person I would confess all of my mess too, I would have laughed. And, I probably would have been afraid. 

It happened so naturally. We started meeting weekly, and the conversation would flow each and every time. Usually, the tears would flow, too. I started telling her everything, all of my struggles and temptations and sins. And you know what she did in response? She showered me with the grace and love of Jesus. 

She never once judged me. She never once condemned me, and she never once made me feel shameful. Instead, she inspired me. She helped me trek through my battle with sin, and continues to do so today. Never once has she gotten weary of the burden. 

Through all of this, I realized the power of confession, and accountability. The fact of the matter is, I can't hide anything. I don't want to. Because the second I start hiding things, is the second I go back to living that double life. And why hide things, when there is no condemnation? The Bible tells us so. {Check out Romans 8:1}

So friends, if you don't have someone already, I encourage you to find someone who can handle all your junk. Someone who knows and loves Jesus, and knows and loves you. Someone who understands that His grace covers all, but also that His Spirit frees us to abstain from the very sin that requires grace in the first place. 

That temptation you feel? Tell someone. That sin you committed? Tell someone. 

There is freedom in confession, my friends. I would know. I have to do it a lot. ;)

Love you all. 

And thank you, Karen. Thank you for being a faithful servant of Christ, and for loving me and supporting me through all of my trials and stumbles. 

31days // Humility {My Story Cont.}

Purity is a journey. For some, we were born into it. The road was paved for us by our parents, or by the church. And for some, we found the road later in life. We had to unlearn so many things that we had learned over the years to carefully put one food in front of the other along this road paved by God. 

Regardless of if you have been on this journey your entire life, or 7 days, I'm sure you have had moments of struggle. Whether it's battling your own temptations, or dealing with the confused looks of others who don't understand why you would choose to walk this path, there are difficulties. It's worth the struggle, but the struggle is there. 

Something that I have learned in my life is that purity and humility go hand in hand. I would venture to say Christianity and humility go hand in hand, but we'll focus on the main topic here ;). 

For the majority of my life, I never thought that I could pursue purity because I thought that sex was a vital part of a relationship. I'm fairly certain that I told myself this to ease the guilt of having sexual relationships before marriage, but regardless, I strongly believed it was true. And I had people around me who agreed, so who could argue with that? 

This view of mine didn't go away over night. Even after my surrender on this day, I still wasn't sure where I stood on the issue. I think this was mainly out of fear, I had been walking on one road for my entire 22 years of life, how could I change that now? 

I have seen that a major way to combat fear, is with pride. Instead of acknowledging that fear, it's easier to just shake it off by assuming "I'm right. Sex is a vital part of a relationship." And that is exactly how pride gets in the way of purity and Christianity, because we start believing that our views are better than God's. 

God is never going to run out of things in our life to heal. He's never going to run out of things in our heart to reveal to us. In order to be healed, and in order to have those things in your heart revealed, you have to have humility. You have to be willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, God has a point here. Maybe His way is better after all. 

I say this because this is exactly what my last {almost} two years have been like. God is constantly healing me, constantly digging deep into my heart to free me of things I didn't even realize were there. 

And this happened once, shortly after that January 1, 2012 day. It had been a few months, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my Bible reading, and worship music lovin' hadn't faded yet, like it had before. I was driving home to visit my family in San Diego, and had made it to Irvine, which is anywhere from 2-3 hours from Santa Barbara, with traffic. I had switched the radio station to Country music, and suddenly wanted to switch back to the worship music I had on before. I didn't know the stations well, so I simply flipped through them until I heard a song that I recognized. 

Well, I didn't find one, but I did find a voice. I found a station that was streaming a sermon, and even though I never listened to sermons in the car, something tugged at my heart to hear this one. I quickly realized, and was surprised to find that I recognized the voice behind the radio. I wasn't certain, but thought I would listen anyway. 

It turned out to be a sermon about dating. It was a message to people like me, out on the hunt for marriage material. And in it, this man emphasized the importance of being equally yolked, and staying pure in your relationship. He was sharing stories of experiences he has witnessed, and I was hooked on every word. For the first time, it made perfect sense. And it didn't matter that I had made mistakes, 22 years worth. All that mattered was I suddenly had the desire to pursue purity, the way that God designed and intended it to be. 

The sermon ended, and they announced the speaker. I already knew, but hearing it confirmed gave me goosebumps. It had been my pastor, Britt Merrick. I was 3 hours from home, and God had so intricately put my own pastor on the radio to preach straight to my heart. My heart was changed in that moment. 

So get rid of all the sin in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. 

// James 1:21 //

What does God have to teach you today? 

Happy Friday, loves!

31days // When Everything Changed {My Story Cont.}

Just after turning 22, I found myself in a relationship. The kind with established titles, and roles. He was my boyfriend, I was his girlfriend. And you know it was real because even Facebook said so. It was the first time since high school that I was in something with security, rules. My heart had been desperately searching for something like that, after having been denied it so many times in college. 

We dated for four months, and in those months, I think we spent more time intoxicated than sober. I will never forget one day walking through the streets of downtown Santa Barbara. Some people were handing out flyers, and spreading the news that Reality was opening a campus in town. I had heard of this church, a few years back while walking on campus at UCSB. A guy was raving about this amazing college ministry, and it intrigued me so much that I interrupted these strangers to ask which church they were talking about. "Reality," they said. "They meet in Carpinteria at 7pm on Fridays." Considering Carpinteria was a half hour drive away, and Friday nights were dedicated to going out with friends, it's not surprising that I never made it. 

We kept walking, and my boyfriend began nervously rambling about "that place." He shared how a friend had started going there, and completely changed. He thought it was creepy, and cult-ish. 

I was suddenly aware of how little this man knew me. I looked at him, and calmly stated "you realize that I'm a Christian, right?" He didn't really respond, but I will never forget how beautifully convicting that moment was for me. Here I was, dating a man who didn't even realize that I believed in Jesus. That's how small of a role faith was playing in my life. 

We dated for a few months after that, before breaking up in mid December. It was painful for me, mainly because it was unexpected. I probably should have expected it, but I was so caught up in things that I didn't realize how unhappy both of us were. I reached out a few times, trying to sort through my confused mind and piece together the friendship that was lost. But really, I was just doing what I always did, clinging to the source of identity of being someone's girlfriend. It's where I felt most comfortable, and yet, where I felt the most anxious, too. Putting your identity in something other than God, means always having to worry about it going away. 

It was merely a few weeks later when New Year's Eve came around. All of us friends were getting together to celebrate, the friends that this now ex-boyfriend and I shared. He had warned me before hand that he wouldn't be attending, and I felt the usual simultaneous relief and disappointment. That night, I found out through a close friend of his that he had been dating someone since immediately after our break up. I spent the beginning of the new year crying in a bathroom. It was the beginning of my breaking point. 

The Lord has beautifully crafted my testimony, with dates that are so significant that I know they can't be coincidental. The next day, January 1st, 2012, was a Sunday. I had already made plans to go with a friend to Reality Santa Barbara. It was not only my first time ever going to Reality, but my first time sitting through a church service in months. 

Words can't express what happened in my heart that day. I felt so incredibly broken, but in the most beautiful way. I wasn't just broken from this most recent break up; I was mourning the loss of everything my heart had been through. All of the dreams that had been crafted through out relationship after relationship, shattered on the floor. The feelings of rejection, abandonment, embarrassment, everything that I had experienced in my failed relationships. The desire to get married to a man who loved me, feeling so unattainable and far away. 

I was broken, so that I could be put back together. For the first time in my life, it clicked in my heart that 
in order to be whole, I have to surrender the pieces. 
The words "I'm desperate for You" flowed through my mind over, and over, and over again. 

This was the day that my entire life changed. And something inside of me knew it. A midst the brokenness I was feeling, and the mourning that I was experiencing, there was joy. So much joy. 

Because something within me knew that the brokenness and mourning were temporary. Something within me knew that everything was about to change. I went to sleep on that evening with a broken heart, inviting the Lord into my sorrow and pain. 

I woke up on Monday, January 2nd, 2012 with nothing but joy. The change was happening, and nothing could stop it now. 

31days // Stirring {My Story Cont.}

I left off with my story in the midst of college, the prime of my drinking and partying years. Through out this time in my life, God was always still there. I was the typical "I'll take Him when I need Him" type of Christian. I went to church when I was feeling broken inside, and the second things shaped up, I hopped back to my normal routine. I didn't see anything wrong with it, probably because I didn't know anything different. That was always how my walk had been, my sin of choice just looked much more drastic now. 

My senior year, I started making church more of a priority. My lifestyle wasn't changing, but I was attending service on Sundays. This is when the Lord started tugging at my heart strings. This is when He started revealing that I had the desire to go deeper. And He did this with community. 

I remember looking around the church congregation, and seeing all sorts of students my age sitting with their friends. I saw people greeting one another, hugging one another, sharing life together. I had been going to church alone for years now, and for the first time, I wanted what I knew I was lacking. I wanted community. 

At this point, I didn't plan to stay in Santa Barbara. That was never the plan, actually. I always saw myself going further South, either back to San Diego or closer to LA. For that reason, I never took a stab at forming community or even friendships within the church I was attending. 

God knew, though. He knew that He had far more to do with me in this little California beach town. So even though I never submitted my resume, I got the phone call for an interview at a local computer software company. An interview turned into a job offer (with some help from the big Man upstairs), and boom. That was that. 

Once I knew I was staying here, I had the desire to grow some roots in the church. I wanted to make some friendships with people my age who shared my faith, so I started attending their Post College - No Kids events. 

God was clearly planting the desire to get closer to Him. He was stirring my heart, and stirring it good. But from an outside perspective, not much was changing. I was still going out just as much as I used to, and now I had the budget (and the legal age limit) to support it. I also was still yearning for the security of a relationship, though my heart was in no place to take part in one. Over the years, it had been dragged through so many unhealthy situations, that there were some serious defense mechanisms in place. 

I started plugging into the church, but still had that "I'll take Him when I need Him" mentality. I didn't even realize that at the time, but I look back now and see that's exactly what was happening. It didn't take much for me to take my eyes off God. All it took was a man to take me by the hand, and be willing to call me his girlfriend. In an effort to get closer to Jesus, I got myself into a relationship instead. 

{PS: I promise, we're almost to the good part :) }

31days // Back to My Story

Can I be honest? This is my hardest post to write so far. I've been wondering and wondering how to write the next part of my story. And truth be told, I've been afraid. Afraid of saying too much, afraid of not saying enough. Afraid of going too deep, afraid of being too explicit. 

So I said a prayer before I started writing tonight. I'm surrendering this post to Jesus. And I will not be afraid. 

***

I left off with my story in the middle of my first love. I really did love this boy, this boy who was a part of my life from age 15 to just before my 18th birthday. Those are pretty crucial years, if you ask me. I watched him grow up right before my eyes. We met when he was a freshman, and his scrawny self sure looked like one. But as the years went by, boy, did he bulk up. You look at the pictures from our first winter formal to our last prom, and it's like bam. Boy to man. 

I loved him, but I didn't know how to. I was so young, and so selfish. I didn't understand that a relationship is not based on what can I get, but what can I give. 

The relationship ended at the end of my senior year. His family was moving to Texas, and I was going off to college. I lost a huge chunk of my identity that day we said goodbye. I had no idea how much of my security was put in being this man's girlfriend until I lost that title. I was tasked with the mission of filling that gaping hole in my heart. A hole that I now realize was always there to begin with, longing for identity and security.

I went off to college with every intention of getting plugged into a Christian organization on campus. But that wasn't my top priority, joining a sorority was. I walked into this brand new world of independence surrounded by thousands of peers experiencing the same thing, and Jesus quickly became the farthest thing from my mind. 

The girl who had never had a sip of alcohol in her entire life had her first sip on her very first night of college, at one of the biggest party schools in the country. I swore I wouldn't drink in college, or ever for that matter. But the hole that was searching for identity quickly found it in the party scene. I became a drinker, one who could hang with the best of em'. I would boast about my drinking abilities, and the boasting would take my mind off of the aching heart that was still recovering from a painful break up. 

Actually, I take that back. My heart wasn't aching from my break up, although it may have appeared that way. My heart was aching for Jesus. And it was aching bad. 

I was plopped into a world where blacking out, throwing up, raging hangovers and casual sex were normal. It was a world that I lived in for a long time, and to be quite honest, it was not a world I belonged in. 

I don't say that because I'm better than that world; believe me, that's not the case. I legitimately say that because I sucked at living in it. I was a horrible drunk. All sorts of emotional, always hit or miss with whether I would be fun, or an angry/jealous/crying mess. The alcohol was a horrible inhibitor with my eating disorder, and the few relationships that I got into were horribly unhealthy. 

I am not better than that world, I was actually worse than it. Some people could handle their alcohol, I could not. It took me 6 years to accept that, but I've finally come to terms that me and alcohol just don't mix. Praise the Lord for helping me realize that. 

So why do I tell you this? Am I bashing on the party scene? I sincerely am not. 

I tell you this because I want you to understand what my life looked like before 2012. I am not going to tell you that I am better or worse now than I was then, because I'm not either of those things. I was a sinner then, and I'm a sinner now. 

But, there is no way to deny that my life looks radically different now, than it did prior to the day I surrendered my life to Jesus on January 1, 2012. And that radical change had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with Christ. 

He is real, folks. He changes lives. He saves lives. It's just what He does. 

31days // First Love

It might not have been love at first sight, but it didn't take long for me to fall for this dashing young man. He wasn't like the last boy I had dated; he was not afraid to show that he was kind, sincere and caring. He had a shy innocence about him that kept me waiting a looong time for even just a hug. It took even longer to establish any sort of relationship status, but I look back now and smile on those times. The long walks home where we parted without a single hug, because we were too afraid to lean in for one. The AOL Instant Messenger conversations that I read and reread, searching for any sort of confirmation that the boy reciprocated my feelings. The first time he wrapped his arm around me and my heart skipped about 5 beats. Those were some of my favorite parts of our 2 year long relationship, and they happened before the real relationship even began. 

We were just about two months shy of turning 16 when we made our relationship official. It may have taken a while to get to that point, but once we did, things moved quickly. The feelings were there, yes they were. And it didn't take long for us to start finding ways of expressing them. 

We were going to church. We were listening to the sermons, getting into the Word, and worshiping together. We were doing everything that you would think would help us keep our relationship pure. But it didn't work. 

Our youth pastor saying "don't have sex before marriage" was one voice. One, single voice. That one voice was up against the tv shows, and the popular songs, and the magazines, and the books, and the movies. All of which were saying the exact opposite, that when two people are in love, sex is what they do. Sex is how they express that love.

As I said before, I don't regret the path that my life took. I don't blame anyone for the decisions that I made. The fact is, I have a Savior who can use each and every piece of my past for His glory. 

But, I do think that I can take away some lessons, as I look back in retrospect. I wonder what would have happened if a woman youth leader had asked to meet with me one on one. I wonder what would have happened if she had asked me how my purity was going. I wonder if I would have broken down, and told her how guilty I felt about everything, the way that I did one evening to my mom. I wonder if she could have reassured me that what I was feeling was normal. That it was normal to battle temptation, but that I didn't have to walk in it alone. That I didn't have to give into the normal temptations I was feeling.  

I wonder what would have happened if a male youth leader in the church has asked my boyfriend to meet one on one. I wonder if with mentors in our lives, we would have made different choices. It seemed as if we were told what to do, but our young minds didn't understand how to do it. Not when everything inside of us and outside of us was telling us a different story. 

I wonder what would have happened if someone had taken the time to sit with us and explain what purity really is. That it isn't about simply following a list of rules, but it comes from letting the Spirit change our hearts. The fact is, none of us can live pure lives without the help of the Holy Spirit. That's why the Helper was given to us in the first place. 

I say these things for those of you with young women or men in your lives. Sit them down one on one. Let them open up about the temptations that they feel, and ensure them that there is no shame or condemnation. Show them how to walk in the Spirit as they battle these temptations. 

Explain to them why we don't have sex until marriage. Because I can attest first hand that sex is powerful. It's meant for the security of a marriage covenant because of the insane grip that it places on our hearts. And at my young age, I was not even conscious of the effects it was having on me. 

Until tomorrow, lovelies. Oh, and happy Monday. :)

31days // Meeting Jesus

I had been to church before. I was raised with a Jewish mom and a Christian dad, so growing up I bounced between temple and church. And for that, I am thankful. I went to lunch with my brother yesterday, and the two of us talked about how we both find that we are pretty easy to get along with. I said we were blessed with good genes, but my brother corrected me. It wasn't our genes that made us warm to strangers and quick to befriend others, it's how we were raised. "We were raised to be tolerant of others," he said. "Tolerant of other religions."

When did he get to be so wise? 

So I had been to church before. I had even watched a movie on the crucifixion (it was quite scary). But something about this high school church retreat was different. I had just come off of my hardest year to date, and hearing the gospel was like medicine for my soul. Jesus woo'd me; He woo'd me good. 

I remember reading through the book of Romans. I have no idea what drew me there in the first place (God), but to this day, it is still my absolute favorite book of the Bible. Reading it brings me back to those first few months of falling in love with my Savior for the very first time. 

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all of creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

// Romans 8:38-39 //

That verse. That verse is what got me. Fresh off a break up, and still recovering from the painful experience of true rejection, these words were everything I needed to hear. I needed to hear that there was someone who loved me, who would never, ever go away. Ever. 

And so, I returned from that retreat, and knew that I needed to learn more. I got plugged into my high school youth group, attending church and church activities around 4 times a week. I was baptized that summer in the beautiful Pacific Ocean. I bought myself a cross necklace to wear around my neck, a reminder of the perfect love that I had found. 

You may be thinking this is where my story ends, huh? Well, spoiler alert: it's not. From all outward appearances, it seemed that my life had transformed. But what hadn't transformed was my heart. I wanted it to, oh by golly I did. But I was missing something fundamental, and I honestly couldn't tell you exactly what it was. Sure, it might have had something to do with the teaching just not fully clicking with me. It might have had something to do with a lack of structured, one on one mentoring. Or, it might very well have been the stubbornness and just plain young naivety of my own heart. 

My best guess? It was God's timing. He knew how my story would end up, and He was so patient to give me the time that I needed to figure it out. Whatever it was, it led to living a double life. When I was at church, I was all about church. I connected well with the other kids in my youth group, and got along well with the older volunteers. Because I enjoyed it and felt like I fit in, of course I was excited to go to any and all activities. When I talked to my parents about my decision to get active in church, I spoke with passionate words. But get me in a classroom with my peers? And that passion ran away, replaced by the fear of what others would think of a radical, Christian life. 

Did I love Jesus? Yes. Absolutely, there is not a doubt in my mind. But did I know how to live a life that glorifies Him? Nope, not one bit. As time has passed, I look back on that time now and have some understanding as to what held me back from truly surrendering my life to Jesus. But we'll save that for another day. 

For now, I'll just say that I was at a place of wanting to stand for Jesus, but not exactly understanding how. And even though I was feeling the love of the King of kings,  my 15 year old heart was still very much longing for the affirmation of a man here on Earth. 

It wasn't long before my attention was captured by a boy in my youth group. A tall, lanky, brunette boy with shaggy hair. Fresh from Texas, brand new to California. I recognized him as Paco, or so that was his Spanish name in our forth period class. Leaning against the wall at the train station as we awaited our Mystery Activity (those were my favorites), I just knew I had to go say hi. Little did I know, that would be the beginning of my very first, real relationship. 

31days // My Story

I got into my first relationship in March of my freshman year of high school. For a girl who spent the majority of her life waiting for this moment, it was surreal. I was in a group of friends that consisted of about 10 of the most dramatic girls I've ever known. I consider myself one of the top contributors, and it wasn't our fault, we met in 8th grade drama class. 

Over the course of our friendship, it seemed to rotate who had "the boyfriend." Sometimes, it was even the same boy with a different girl (like I said: dramatic). I always envied the others when it was their turn, and now, it was finally mine. I had the boy walking over to meet me for lunch. I had the name "boyfriend" in my phone directory. And I even got a hand made card from a friend on our 1 month anniversary. Back then, it certainly was something to celebrate. 

We lasted a solid month before I broke up with him over a rumored spring break cheating incident; a rumor that he openly admitted to starting, although he swore it wasn't true. 

Although I ended the relationship, I didn't escape the mourning. I finally had found what I had been wanting for as long as I could remember, a boy who wanted to make me his. It may have been a boy who thought a rumor about cheating on his girlfriend made him look cool, but it was a boy nonetheless. 

I missed being able to call someone my "boyfriend". I missed feeling the security of being taken. And I missed awaiting the daily visit and hug during our lunch break. The anger over the rumored cheating incident lasted all of about 5 minutes. Long enough to end the relationship, but not long enough to get over it. I found myself pining over the boy before the end of the school year. 

Thus began about a 6 month season of playing racquetball with my heart. It was the epitome of an on-again, off-again "relationship." And sadly, each on-again segment got slightly more physical than the last. By the end of the season, I was giving him far more than I had ever given a man physically, and getting none of the security of a normal relationship. I look back now, and realize that I barely knew this person who had such a grip on my heart. I was also only 15 years old, and already feeling like I needed intimacy to win over a man. 

In the middle of this giant mess of teenage emotions, hormones and intimacy, another man was added to the mix. Fortunately, this particular man was unlike any of the others I had ever known. I met him on a high school church retreat that I was invited to by a friend, and his name was

Jesus. 

31days // The Beginning

I don't know where it came from, the notion that a man's opinion carries such weight. 

My earliest memory of wanting a boy's attention goes all the way back to kindergarden. I was five years old, and apparently not very good at hiding my feelings. The older kids on the bus noticed that Amy had a crush. They noticed, and they teased me for it. To them, it was probably no big deal, just a silly little joke. But to the little kindergarden girl, being made fun of by the "big" kids was far from "no big deal." It was big enough to be remembered, nearly twenty years later. 

I remember in 4th grade when people started having "boyfriends". I'm not quite sure what exactly they did with these "boyfriends," besides pick each other whenever we did popcorn reading in class. I think we all knew these relationships were almost as real as playing make believe with our dolls. But looking around at the girls with these boyfriends, it sure felt like they were real. And even if they weren't, I wanted a fake boyfriend of my own. Someone to call mine. Or rather, someone who wanted to call me theirs. 

Once we got to middle school, the boyfriends started seeming a little more real. People had actually started touching one another, by holding hands or hugging. And they'd actually go on dates, to the movie theater or to our high school's football games. The relationships started lasting longer than a week, and I remember when all of my friends started having their first kisses. I would complain at sleepovers that everyone was having their first kiss but me. It was the familiar feeling of being on the outside of something that I desperately wanted to experience for myself. 

I started believing that my worth went down if I didn't have a man to feed my mind with affirmation. I have no idea where this came from, your guess is as good as mine. But it was real, and it had a powerful grip over me. You can only imagine my excitement when I finally did get that first kiss (truth or dare in a limo, talk about romantic), and that first boyfriend (it lasted a month, I broke up with him over the phone, and then dramatically threw my phone on the ground). 

But once I finally did get that affirmation? Well, you can probably guess that I did not want to let go.