The Start of 24

Did you know that God has a story for you? One that's for you, and you alone. It's individually and uniquely crafted for you to shine the glory of our God into a world that desperately needs it.

 It's pretty amazing, when you think about it. We're all born into this world with this desire somewhere deep down inside that wants to live a life with legacy, with meaning, with purpose. And somewhere along the line, maybe you lost faith in that. Maybe this world convinced you that legacy, meaning, and purpose aren't for everyone. Maybe you're feeling average, normal, unimportant. 

If there's one thing I hope people find from this blog, it's faith. Faith in a God who writes big stories for little people. It doesn't matter how many people your story affects, what matters is how it affects. You are meant to be a light in this world. You are meant to carry the best news that can ever be heard, that there is a God who loves us so much that He sent His Son to pay for our sin, that we may be reconciled to Him. 

And that reconciliation? That friendship that is born between you and the God of the universe?

That changes ev. ery. thing. 

***

My life is forever changed because of Jesus Christ. I love telling my story, because it's a story I could have never written for myself. One with His fingerprints all over it, and I praise Him for that. Oh, do I praise Him for that. 

There are two key dates in my testimony, two dates that I now look back on as days when "everything changed." I didn't know it at the time; you rarely do, right? But now I know. I know that on those two days, Jesus reached down and with infinite mercy & grace, decided to change my life for His glory. 

I said I couldn't have written this story for myself, right? Case and point: those two dates are the only two dates in the calendar year that symbolize a new start for me. The first occurred on January 1st, 2012, the day I fully surrendered my life to Christ. And the second occurred on my 24th birthday, June 29th, 2013, the day I decided to give up alcohol. 

I just love that God took the two days of the year that I celebrate a new start, and gave new meaning to them. I will never be able to celebrate a New Year's Day without celebrating the day I recklessly abandoned my life for Jesus. And starting this year, I will never be able to celebrate my birthday without celebrating sobriety. 

I had no idea that was going to be one of my last drinks. And looking back on both January 1st, 2012, and June 29th, 2013, I had no idea I would ever look back on those days as good days. They both started hungover, they both started with lots of tears, and heart ache, and shame. They felt like ugly days, to be honest. 

But this is what I love about our God; He takes our ugly and turns it into beauty. For His glory. And, because He loves us that much. 

Before I get into gushing about the amazing, wonderful, blessing of a year that 24 was, I wanted to start at the beginning. I wanted to share that it didn't seem off to a good start when I woke up on my birthday to a thick blanket of guilt, shame, and regret. 

Why do I want to start there? Because I know someone, somewhere might be there right now. Someone might be stuck in the cycle that I was stuck in. Maybe yours has nothing to do with alcohol, or maybe it has everything to do with alcohol. 

Regardless, I want you to know there's hope. I want you to know that there is nothing, I repeat, nothing too ugly for Him to use. When He looks at you, He sees nothing ugly about you. He sees a life that He crafted for His glory, and He's just waiting, ready to write the story of a lifetime for you.

Sometimes, the biggest break throughs happen from the biggest break downs. On June 29th, 2013, I had a break down. I saw my sin so clearly, and it scared me. It scared me enough to run, as fast as I could, straight into Jesus' arms. It scared me enough to admit that I was meant for abstinence from alcohol, and that as scared as I was of sobriety, I was more afraid of what alcohol could do to my life. To my relationships. To my future. 

June 29th, 2013 may have started with a hangover, but it was the last one I'll ever have. It opened the door to a type of freedom I didn't even know existed. 

He took my ugly, and made it shine for His glory, the way that only He can.

6 Months

Today is my half birthday. And to be honest, it's not something that I usually give much thought to. It comes and it goes, and with it, there may be a brief "dang, half way through the year" moment. 

This year, things are a bit different. This year, the day doesn't only mark the fact that I am half way through my 24th year. This year, it also marks that I am 6 months into sobriety. And that is something I want to celebrate.

I haven't written much about it since the 60 day mark, but today, I want to jot down some thoughts. I haven't shared much in the last 4 months because to be honest, it doesn't feel like a big deal. It's like one day I drank, and the next day I didn't anymore. I haven't once questioned my decision, or felt tempted to have a drink.

It doesn't feel like a big deal, but the fact is, it is. It is a big deal. I wasn't exactly a casual drinker; alcohol was very much a part of my life. And now, it's not. And I have a man named Jesus Christ to thank for that. 

Six months ago, as I celebrated my 24th birthday at a worship concert, I tangibly experienced the freedom of the gospel in a way I never had before. You may be thinking "wow, what a goody-two-shoes Christian, celebrating her birthday at a worship concert." And to that, I would beg to differ. 

I needed that worship concert. I needed those lyrics blasting in my ears telling me that God's grace covers me. I needed to hear that I am redeemed, restored, and that nothing, nothing can separate me from His love. I needed it because I was dealing with so much shame from poor decisions made the evening before. 

The feeling of guilt over decisions made while intoxicated was not unfamiliar to me. As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite. I knew it so well, the tossing and turning of an anxious stomach, the nervous thoughts of who could possibly be mad at me, the heavy weight of shame. 

I sat there wondering if I was ever going to beat this, this battle with alcohol. I wondered if this was going to plague me all of my life. I had tried and tried to be a "responsible drinker," and it just wasn't feeling possible. And right as the anxious thoughts were building, a voice broke through them. 

"You are free to abstain."

And boom. I was. 

For the first time in my life, I felt the freedom that I have in the Lord. I felt it wash over me, rid me of all of my guilt and shame. I saw the gift right in front of me, and consciously realized that all I had to do was grab it. 

Grab it, I did. And nothing has been the same since. The girl who had tried and failed to give up alcohol many times before, even cried over the fear of how it would affect friendships, suddenly was overwhelmed with peace. The peace that only comes from the Lord. 

I gradually broke the news to friend after friend, and was so incredibly blessed by the support of each one. Some had seen this battle first hand, and others may not have fully understood the decision, but all were supportive. All were loving. All were proud. 

I learned so much about myself in those first few months. I saw how much of my security was wrapped up in alcohol. I had to bring that straight to the Lord, who helped me face all of those fears of being inferior without a glass in my hand. 

I learned so much about my friends. I can't tell you how much it blessed me when someone specifically brought a non-alcoholic drink just for me. Or how much it blessed me to receive invites to things like a wine club party, or to be asked to help pour drinks at a festival.

I was so humbled by the love and support of others. I once was afraid that giving up alcohol would cause me to lose friendships, and I can happily say that it has only strengthened them. 

From the outside, my life doesn't look very different now. I go to all of the same events, and even hold the same glasses in my hand. The only differences may be that I make a whole lot less ugly faces while sipping beverages, and DD more than I used to. 

But on the inside? There's a big difference. And I have no way to describe that other than to say I feel free. And it feels good. 

For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

// 2 Corinthians 3:17 //

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. 

// John 8:36 //

In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free. 

// Psalm 118:5 //

31days // Back to My Story

Can I be honest? This is my hardest post to write so far. I've been wondering and wondering how to write the next part of my story. And truth be told, I've been afraid. Afraid of saying too much, afraid of not saying enough. Afraid of going too deep, afraid of being too explicit. 

So I said a prayer before I started writing tonight. I'm surrendering this post to Jesus. And I will not be afraid. 

***

I left off with my story in the middle of my first love. I really did love this boy, this boy who was a part of my life from age 15 to just before my 18th birthday. Those are pretty crucial years, if you ask me. I watched him grow up right before my eyes. We met when he was a freshman, and his scrawny self sure looked like one. But as the years went by, boy, did he bulk up. You look at the pictures from our first winter formal to our last prom, and it's like bam. Boy to man. 

I loved him, but I didn't know how to. I was so young, and so selfish. I didn't understand that a relationship is not based on what can I get, but what can I give. 

The relationship ended at the end of my senior year. His family was moving to Texas, and I was going off to college. I lost a huge chunk of my identity that day we said goodbye. I had no idea how much of my security was put in being this man's girlfriend until I lost that title. I was tasked with the mission of filling that gaping hole in my heart. A hole that I now realize was always there to begin with, longing for identity and security.

I went off to college with every intention of getting plugged into a Christian organization on campus. But that wasn't my top priority, joining a sorority was. I walked into this brand new world of independence surrounded by thousands of peers experiencing the same thing, and Jesus quickly became the farthest thing from my mind. 

The girl who had never had a sip of alcohol in her entire life had her first sip on her very first night of college, at one of the biggest party schools in the country. I swore I wouldn't drink in college, or ever for that matter. But the hole that was searching for identity quickly found it in the party scene. I became a drinker, one who could hang with the best of em'. I would boast about my drinking abilities, and the boasting would take my mind off of the aching heart that was still recovering from a painful break up. 

Actually, I take that back. My heart wasn't aching from my break up, although it may have appeared that way. My heart was aching for Jesus. And it was aching bad. 

I was plopped into a world where blacking out, throwing up, raging hangovers and casual sex were normal. It was a world that I lived in for a long time, and to be quite honest, it was not a world I belonged in. 

I don't say that because I'm better than that world; believe me, that's not the case. I legitimately say that because I sucked at living in it. I was a horrible drunk. All sorts of emotional, always hit or miss with whether I would be fun, or an angry/jealous/crying mess. The alcohol was a horrible inhibitor with my eating disorder, and the few relationships that I got into were horribly unhealthy. 

I am not better than that world, I was actually worse than it. Some people could handle their alcohol, I could not. It took me 6 years to accept that, but I've finally come to terms that me and alcohol just don't mix. Praise the Lord for helping me realize that. 

So why do I tell you this? Am I bashing on the party scene? I sincerely am not. 

I tell you this because I want you to understand what my life looked like before 2012. I am not going to tell you that I am better or worse now than I was then, because I'm not either of those things. I was a sinner then, and I'm a sinner now. 

But, there is no way to deny that my life looks radically different now, than it did prior to the day I surrendered my life to Jesus on January 1, 2012. And that radical change had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with Christ. 

He is real, folks. He changes lives. He saves lives. It's just what He does. 

Sobriety - One month in

30 days. No alcohol. 

It might not sound like much to some of you, and to others it might sound like the worst thing ever since they decided to end Friends. 

For me, it's a pretty big deal. It hasn't happened since my freshman year of college {about 5 and a half years ago, let's not talk about it}, when I decided to take 30 days off just to make sure that I could. And I could, but I haven't done it again since. Until now. 

I want to document this process. This is a huge life change, and if anything, I want to write out my thoughts and observations along the way. 

But I also want to encourage you. Whoever you are who's eyes have landed on this page (and have continued reading once you realized this post was about sobriety). I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, this post is about much more than just giving up alcohol. It's much more general than that. 

This post is proof that change is possible. This post is here to say that if something doesn't feel quite right in your life, if something is consistently bringing you down or making you feel bad about yourself, 

you are perfectly capable of changing that. 

You are stronger than you think, more capable that you even know. Don't underestimate yourself. If you don't like something, change it. 

It might not be easy, but you can do it. 

So here we go. The thoughts/feelings/observations/lessons/etc. from my first month of sobriety. 

And to offset the seriousness, a few pics from this past weekend in San Francisco. 

You're welcome. 

Went to a lovely wedding that deserves a post in and of itself!

In the 30 days, there were a total of 3 times that I noticed a distinct change in my lifestyle. That means only 3 times did I feel a difference, and honestly? That felt really good. Had this happened a year ago, or even 6 months ago, I probably would have felt a difference every single weekend night. 

What does that mean? It means that God had already been working in my life and pulling me out of the drinking scene before I made this decision. And for that, I am thankful. Not because the drinking scene is a bad scene to be in, but because there was a time that the thought of not drinking legitimately scared me because I thought I would lose friendships. 

I can happily report that my friendships have only strengthened. I can't even express how blessed I have been by the support of my friends. 

Reunited with my high school besties this weekend!

This month, I realized that I tend to over-analyze how people will respond to me not drinking. I learned this at a pub crawl earlier in the month, where people either didn't notice or were totally supportive of the fact that I wasn't having any alcohol. 

I was reminded of it again this past weekend, when I met up with a close friend from college. I was fully prepared to receive a loottt of ragging on my decision. But instead, without missing a single beat, he offered to grab me a water. And multiple times through out the night, he told me how proud he was of me. 

I'm learning that maybe, just maybe, I should give people a little more credit. Maybe I need to learn to believe the best in people, especially those who genuinely care about me. 

See people, even San Francisco knows what's up. 

I found that I never actually crave alcohol. Not once through out the month did I want to drink just to drink. I talked about it in this post, but it's the social situation that gets me wanting to drink. It's having a beer with everyone, having a glass of wine the the girls, or yes, even joining in in a round of shots (bleh). 

But given how alcohol has affected me in my life, given how it's affected my decisions in the past, and given how it pulls me away from God, wanting to drink just to fit in just isn't a good enough reason anymore. 

Because the fact is, regardless of what my insecurities tell me, I fit in just as much with or without a drink in my hand. 

So thankful for these amazing friendships that have lasted since high school!

You know what I really learned this month? Just how insecure I really am. It kind of crept up on me this past weekend, not gonna lie. 

It's hard! Making a life change like this. Taking out something that was once a big part of who you were, your reputation, and your regular routine. I hate admitting that that "thing" is alcohol, but it's true! Maybe not as much in recent months or years, but during college, alcohol was absolutely a huge part of my identity. 

When you've gotten used to relying on something for a sense of worth or value, it's hard to adjust to not having it anymore. Whether it's a relationship, a job, or in my case, just being the fun girl who can party with the best of them, it's going to take an adjustment process to get rid of the fear of losing that sense of identity. 

And honestly? I am sure I'm not the first to tell you that any time you are looking to something other than God for worth, identity or purpose, that other thing is going to let you down. It may take some time, but it's just how our world is. The only thing that can firmly and safely hold our identity is Jesus Christ, Himself. 

So what have I realized this month? That maybe it isn't quite to the extreme as it was in college, but there is absolutely a part of me who still looks for identity in being the fun party girl. 

And that part of me can feel so insecure when I'm sitting in a drinking environment without a drink in my hand. That part of me can feel so far on the outside when everyone is cheering their glass, or rounding up for a group shot. 

But guess what? That insecurity? It doesn't come from God, at all. 

You know what does come from God? The voice in my head that says "Amy, there is so much more to you than the fun party girl. Let me show you."

And in the moments when I'm feeling that insecurity surface? I will cling to that voice. I will cling to that truth. 

Life Update - Part 2

Can I just say that I am really nervous to write this post? This is probably one of the most challenging posts that I have yet to write. Mainly because you can't convey tone over a computer screen, and this is a difficult topic to address. But, I trust that God has put it on my heart to share this very big life change with you all for a reason. And so, into the tricky territory we go. 

The topic that I'm discussing today? Alcohol. 

And before we even get started, I want to clarify that I am talking about my personal relationship with alcohol. I am so tempted to go even further with this disclaimer, but I'm going to leave it at that. This is my story, take it as you will. 

Almost two months ago, I heard this incredible sermon on alcohol & the Christian. Seriously, it's amazing. If you have 53 minutes and 21 seconds, I highly suggest listening to it. It might surprise you with what the message says about how Christians are called to deal with alcohol. 

One of my biggest takeaways from this sermon was how the gospel frees us. That's one of the beautiful gifts of the gospel, right? Freedom. Christ paid the price for us, and we are free to undeservingly reap the benefit. 

So what does this freedom mean in regards to alcohol? Well, it means that we are free to partake, and enjoy this unique type of beverage. No where in the bible does it say you must never drink alcohol. On the contrary, it says that we are accepted by God through faith, and that will not change with an alcoholic beverage in hand. 

The gospel also, however, frees us to abstain. And some of us are called to do just that. Some of us have drinking problems, addictions even. And through the gospel, we are freed from the bondage of alcohol. 

There are others of us, though, who do not have drinking problems. We may not struggle with addiction, and yet God may still call us to abstain. He has his reasons, and we may never understand. But regardless the reason, the gospel will free us to abstain, just as it may free others to partake. 

As I sat and listened to this sermon, I strongly felt the freedom to partake. I had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I was currently walking in a season of responsible drinking. And therefore, I felt perfectly convinced that alcohol did not affect my ability to walk in the Spirit. 

It had interfered with my walk in the past, though. I had previously turned to alcohol for comfort. Not even alcohol itself, or the feeling of being drunk. But instead, I turned to the social setting that alcohol provided. I turned to the constant affirmations that I received while drinking. 

"You're so fun!" "You're so cool!" "I love hanging out with you!" 

And even beyond that, I turned to the attention that I got from men while drinking. I turned to the flirtatious nature that occurs, the compliments that come, and yes, even the physical intimacy that can come from one too many drinks. 

I am not proud to admit these things, but they're true. They're a part of my past, mainly the part before I truly met Christ. But I would be lying if I said there was no overlap. It wasn't quite as black and white as I would have hoped. I had a lot of deeply ingrained habits, and these habits didn't go away over night. 

This habit of turning to the social setting of drinking for comfort, confirmation and affirmation was one that took a long, long time to go away. 

But as I sat listening to this sermon, I thought it had. I thought I was free, free to partake without idolizing the atmosphere that alcohol brings. 

Until the celebration of my birthday. 

What started as a fun day of wine tasting didn't end that way. I found myself staring straight at a girl that I thought I left behind. Hence, this post. 

I am not saying that alcohol is bad. I am not even saying that getting drunk is bad. But, I am saying that for me, it is. For me, that one drink too far can take me into a dark, dark place. And that one drink isn't necessarily the drink that makes me "drunk." Sometimes, one drink is all it takes to get there. Other times, it's more. 

But quite frankly, that place scares me. That place where I willingly stray from God's voice. That place where I can look Him straight in the face, and say God, You are not the comfort that I want right now. 

I woke up the morning of my birthday feeling so incredibly disappointed with myself. 

I felt so unworthy of God's love. And that is a horrible feeling that I wish on none of you. 

But, I learned two things on that day. God so graciously tore through the walls of my guilt, shame, and regret to scream His truth into my ears. 

And what did He scream to me? 

One: You are NOT defined by your mistakes!

We all make mistakes. Sometimes they're made soberly, sometimes drunkenly. But regardless, we are not identified by our mistakes. We are not even identified by our accomplishments!

We are identified by Christ, and Christ alone! And I cannot even express how difficult it was for Him to drill that truth into my head. But the fact is, I was the same daughter of Christ that I was before my birthday celebration as I was after. 

Nothing can change that, nothing. 

And two: You are free to abstain!

He took me back to that sermon that I had heard back in May. He reminded me of the words, and more importantly, He reminded me of their truth. 

I am free to abstain! That washed over me with such peace as I realized that if alcohol turns me into a person that I don't want to be, I don't have to drink it! 

Sure, it may be a huge part of the culture around me, but that doesn't matter. My God is the most powerful thing in this universe, and if He says that He will help me abstain, then I believe Him. 

And so, as of my 24th birthday, I am no longer drinking alcohol. I now have a more tangible understanding of the Christian freedom that the gospel brings, and I could not be more thankful.