Tuesday, August 7, 2012

On Faith, Anxiety and Being Perfect

Ready for a serious post? 

No? Okay wait. 

LOOK at the size of that zucchini!! I was told to use the dollar bill as a size comparison, but seriously, is that even a zucchini? I mean, can you imagine how long it would take to cut up that thing? It's literally bigger than a baby. 

Okay, now you ready? 

Good. Here we go: 

I've been struggling lately guys. This past month, I've been feeling like I'm going through a minor identity crisis. I recommitted my life to Christ in a way that I had never done before on January 1st of this year. You know how people talk about an instant change that they feel? I lived that. Temptations and urges that had been a part of my life prior to a single moment of accepting my need for Christ completely left me. Things that had been a huge part of my college and even post-college life no longer seemed important. I didn't want to be a part of the world. I felt in it, but not of it. 

And that conflict that I felt, of being in a world where I just felt so different from other people, I loved that. The conflict was a constant reminder of my relationship with Christ, and how I stood with Him. How I was His. 

This past month, a lot of those temptations came back. I found myself running towards the life that I thought I left behind. Maybe not with the same excitement, but nonetheless, it was looking appealing again. I knew my heart and my life belonged to Christ, but I could just feel myself rebelling. I was praying for help, but I wasn't accepting it. 

Feeling like I was not being a good representation of my faith started causing me to experience what I can only imagine anxiety to be like. I felt sick, and stressed. I felt the way that Paul describes in Romans 7, wanting to do good, but simply not. Trying to stay away from doing the wrong things, but doing them anyway. 

This weekend, I finally reached out for prayer at church. I cried as I explained what I had been feeling over the last month, the conflict that I was so embarrassed to admit that I was feeling. 

It took admitting my struggle for me to realize what God is showing me through all of this. 

I am not perfect. And I am not expected to be.

I am human. I fall short every single day. And that is normal. That is why God sent His Son to save me, because I will never measure up. I am saved not by being a perfect Christian, I am saved by my Faith. 

And most importantly, God is not limited by my limitations. He works through my weaknesses in ways that I may never understand. 

I'm reading Britt Merrick's Godspeed right now:

And there are some parts that have truly spoken to me through all of this. I want to write them down, for me. And for anyone else who might fall short sometimes. 

When it comes to God's kingdom and His gospel going forth, we first need to believe that God is bigger than our blunders... We have to grasp this truth in our daily lives, because the fact is, we are going to blow it. As people, we're deeply flawed; yet through-out history God has chosen to work through people rather than independent of people. 

When we fail, we have an opportunity to model forgiveness and show what the redeeming power of Christ looks like. We can reveal how sweet it is to find our identity in Christ and His work on our behalf because of God's love for us, rather than basing our sense of self-worth on our own performance. 

I will not be ashamed of my flaws anymore. I am not perfect, far from it. I can be irresponsible. I can drink too much. I can get caught up in my feelings for a guy. I can feel jealous. I can feel prideful. I am human.

I don't want people to see Jesus' perfection in me (because that's just not possible), I want them to witness His grace. Because even through all of my flaws, He loves me. He loves me so much, that even when I want to run back into the world, He won't let me

I'm His. And I always will be. 

If Jesus is real in your life and you are real around other people -- allowing them to see your failures, successes, struggles, heartaches, heartbreaks, good moments, and worst moments -- it won't be long before people see Jesus in you. 

I will not hide my weaknesses anymore. Because through my weakness, God shows His amazing love. And Amen to that.


Sammantha said...

This. Is. Beautiful. So touching. You are so amazing, girl!

Kate Sparkles said...

Oh my goodness, that cucumber is insane! Just crazy.

And as for the rest of your post.. wonderful

Elizabeth @ Love Is the Adventure said...

AMEN. Girl, you need to just be BASKING in His grace! What an awesome place to be!

Your struggle is resonating with me this morning and I'm so thankful you posted this.

Sam said...

This is a great post! Very inspirational!

Elissa said...

even though we are a year apart in this post-college journey I relate so so much. thank goodness for the fact that we are saved by faith and not by anything we do ourself because otherwise we would all be in serious trouble. the temptations and imperfectness you describe remind me of the song Come Thou Fount- where it says "prone to wander lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I Love, here's my heart lord take and seal it,seal it for thy courts above" and that is one of my favorite parts of the song.

Meg {henninglove} said...

holy moly! that is a huge zucchini and where the heck did you find that monsterous zucchini. bet you could make a lot of zucchini bread with that

Liz said...

That thing is huge!!!

Thank you for sharing this! It was really just what I needed :)

Annie said...

Yes! I love this, Amy. I think it's so important for us to be cognizant of our weaknesses and limitations because it's right there, in that place, that Christ is shown strong and powerful. We only serve as extensions of His might and glory and grace - and we are going to mess that up, but I'm so thankful that, as you said, "God has chosen to work through people rather than independent of people." What a privilege!