I've been in the blogging world for probably 6 months now. In those 6 months, I have come across so many amazing women. So many amazing stories. Some that I can relate to, and some that I can't, but they are all truly inspiring. And those that I can relate to? The ones about heartache, and loneliness. About the feeling of not being good enough, pretty enough, thin enough. Those are the posts that stare me straight in the face and tell me that I am not alone. That we are all trying to find our way through this thing called life, and that sometimes, it's just plain hard.
So why am I writing this? I don't even know if I can entirely answer that question right now. I feel like I should? If one day somebody comes across my blog and sees this post and it resonates with them the way that so many amazing posts have come to resonate with me, well that would just be amazing. If one person could feel like they are not the only one who has hard days because of this post, I would be floored. But that's not why I'm writing this. As of right now, this post is for me. I'm not even entirely sure if I will push that big orange "Publish" button, I guess only time will tell. But in these last few weeks I have noticed so many changes in my life, in my mindset and in me. I want to remember this. I want to document this. So here it goes.
Around the second week of December, my boyfriend and I broke up. I am not new to break ups, I've had my fair share. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I would get past it. I knew there would be tears, and heartache, but I also knew it would not be my hardest break up (been there, done that). I also knew myself well enough to know I would not skip through this gracefully. I knew there would be calls and texts that I would probably regret. That I wouldn't give up on the relationship over night. Because that's just not me. I don't like to give up. I knew it would take time, and I guess time is what it took.
The break up was my weirdest yet. I did not see it coming. Although maybe I should have. One conversation turned into "well, okay, this is it." I wanted to fight for the relationship. He did not. And I am so thankful for that. Some things are worth fighting for. Others are not. I am not one who can tell the difference, because when I care about someone, they are immediately worth fighting for in my eyes.
Time healed me, time made things easier. But we talked a few weeks after the break up, and seeing how easy all of this had been on him made it harder for me. I don't know why it works that way, I wish it didn't. I wish I was able to simply focus on my progress, and not worry about if the other person misses me. That really hurt. Feeling like I wasn't worth missing.
But again, I made progress. I got back on my feet, and focused on bettering myself. When the break up first happened, I felt like I had a list of things that I wanted to "better" about myself. As time went by and I started really looking at this list, I realized that most of the things on it were not things that I needed to change. I learned that just because one person doesn't appreciate something about you, does not mean that it is not worth appreciating. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever appreciate that part of you. Maybe the first step is to learn to appreciate yourself for those things. For caring. For expressing yourself. For not being afraid to say "I love you." Oh you don't like those things? Well too bad. I'm not changing, and one day someone will be very thankful that I didn't.
I grew stronger. I realized that the break up was not my fault. I've found that can be the hardest thing to realize, and the first step to letting yourself get past the grieving phase and onto the actual process of "moving on." So I was getting through this, doing well actually. Until the giant pause button was hit, or more like the rewind button.
Cue New Year's Eve. Not even actual New Year's Eve, but the wee hours of the New Year. The year that was supposed to be a fresh start, but it didn't exactly start that way. For the record, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Most people are very familiar with the fact that alcohol loosens the lips, lets things that maybe shouldn't be said get out in the open. My ex boyfriend wasn't at the same New Year's Eve party as I was, but that didn't stop me from finding out that he had been dating someone since we broke up.
This isn't the first time this has happened. It is, however, the first time that I can truly say I did not see this coming. No part of me thought this would happen. And in a matter of minutes, all of the progress that I had made seemed to disappear. The hurting came back. The feeling of not being good enough. Of being judged. Add the feeling of being replaced, and I could just feel my heart breaking. If you have never experienced heart break, I hope that you never have to. In my experience, it is a physical, consuming, aching pain. I woke up the next morning, New Year's day, mentally and physically exhausted.
As God would have it, New Year's day this year fell on a Sunday. If there is one thing I have learned through all of this it's that God's timing is truly perfect. Church was something I needed. I have never felt more desperate for God than I did that morning. Not because this was the lowest I had ever felt. Not because this was my first or hardest break up, just because I realized how much I need God. And you know what, despite the heartache and the pain, it was the most refreshing feeling I have ever felt.
I have been a Christian since I was a sophomore in high school. That was in 2004. It was January 1, 2012 that I finally realized what that means. It was January 1, 2012 that I finally turned my life over to Jesus. I think I resisted for so long because I was afraid of what changes that would bring. If people would look at me differently, if I would lose friends. You know the only thing that has changed? Me. And how did I change? I am happy. I am confident. I am stress-free knowing that whatever changes happen from here happen because they are God's will.
On that Sunday, I was hurting. Grieving. Aching. I cried a lot. Slept a lot. I let myself feel. I woke up on Monday a different person. I haven't cried once since that Sunday. I asked God to heal me, and He did. I am so happy knowing that my priorities now lie in my faith, my God, my friends and my family. Things that will never fail me.
I end this post after a night out with friends. I think I can finally say that I have never been happier with where my life is at than I am now. I finally have my happiness invested in something that will never fail me, my faith. I can't even begin to express how good that feels. Do I get sad sometimes? Of course. Break ups are hard. Life is hard. But having faith that my God is in control of my life? That makes me happy. Ecstatic even.
Just like the last Sunday, this past Sunday I cried at church again. Tears filled my eyes as we prayed, sang. But this time, the tears were out of happiness. Thankfulness. It is truly amazing what a difference just 7 days can make when you let faith into your life.
If I have learned anything in my 22.5 years of life, it is that the hard times make you who you are. And because of that, I am so thankful. Because you know what,
I am damn proud of who I am today.