Thursday, February 7, 2013

My Heart for Purity

This post has been on my heart for quite some time now. But I haven't written it out of fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of sharing too much, or too little. Fear of judgement. 

Just plain fear. 

I fully recognize that fear does not come from God. And that He puts things on our hearts for a reason. 

So it is my prayer that these words are His, and not my own. That they provide encouragement to those who need it. And most importantly, that they lead those who read these words straight to the creator behind them, Christ

Please note that this is a personal post, so whoever may be reading this, be warned of that now. 

And lastly, thank you to all of those who encouraged me to be bold by your own words. Specifically, LAnnieErin and Nadine.

Be still heart, just write. 

I believe in the Bible. All of it.

I believe that it is 100% applicable to our lives, and was written to help protect us from the darkness in our world. To guide us to the light, Jesus Christ. 

You may be nodding your head like "Yes, duh. We know you're a Christian." But I have found that proclaiming yourself a believer of Jesus Christ and deciding to live your life according to His word are two very different things. At least for me, they were. 

For the majority of my life, I was desensitized to the sin in my life. Some of it, I simply didn't realize that I struggled with. I didn't acknowledged the dark stains of sins such as selfishness, pride and jealousy that lived in my heart. Mainly because I lived on the surface, and on the surface, those sins don't seem as apparent. 

But some sins, I openly invited into my life. I was so lost in this world that I listened when it whispered that the Bible was outdated. That these sins were normal

Sexual sin was one of those sins. 

With each serious relationship that failed, I lost a part of myself in the process. I would be left feeling every bit broken as I watched men who I loved and once swore I would marry walk out of my life. I would doubt myself and my worth.

And the worst part was that I became very, very confused. I began to intertwine physical intimacy with love. Touch became the only form of affection that I recognized, the only way I would feel safe in a relationship. Without a clear sign of physical attraction, I did not feel loved. And if I didn't feel loved, I immediately developed a fear of abandonment. 

Then God came in. 

And to be honest, even as I was falling in love with Jesus for the first time, I wasn't sure if this was a part of my life that could be healed. I felt too far gone. Too lost in my ways.

Until God spoke to me. 

I am certain it was Him. I was driving to San Diego from Santa Barbara when my own pastor came on the radio, hours away from home, and discussed the importance of Christians engaging in Christ-centered, biblical relationships. 

That is the only sermon that I have ever listened to on the radio. And I have no doubt that it was entirely a part of God's plan. His plan to change my heart. 

Since that moment, everything became clear to me. I recognize that God calls us to remain pure until marriage because that is the only way He can protect our hearts from the heartbreak that sexual intimacy outside of marriage can cause. I recognize how powerful that kind of intimacy is, and it's clear to me that it only belongs in a committed, lifelong marriage.

I am thankful every day that Jesus broke through the lies that the world had been filling me with. I am thankful every day that He removed the shame of my past, and is guiding me along the path to my future. 

And that is not to say that I don't struggle. Since the moment that the truth finally broke through, there have been struggles. It will take time for God to heal all of the damage that my sin did to my heart. He has promised that there is no condemnation, but that does not mean that my sin does not have consequences. 

It does. 

But even with the struggle, there has not been a day where I doubt the truth. The truth is clear to me now, the scales have been removed from my eyes. And nothing that Satan can do will put those scales back on. 

Though he may try to tempt me, he cannot undo what Jesus has done. 

Thank you Jesus for bringing me out of the darkness of my sin, and into your beautiful light. 


Melissa Jo said...

I am so incredibly inspired by the purity of your post. I've struggled with the same sin and it was one that will rip your to shreds. That physical connection is intimate and personal. I don't understand how people can have "sex without emotion" because there is none. It's heartbreaking and your feel exposed. It's like Adam and Eve exposed when they first realized they were naked and were completely ashamed of themselves. Please pray for me and I will pray for you that we both can conquer this sin in Christ's name. It's so accepted and normal it today's world that it breaks my heart. I just want to be whole again and I know the only person that can provide that wholeness is Christ. Thank you for being bold for Christ! Love you girl!

Melissa Jo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alyssa said...

It's so hard to put yourself out there like this. I truly admire you for it. While reading what you wrote, I felt like they were words my heart has been trying to find but just couldn't. This hit home for me. Keeping you in my prayers, girl. You are amazing.

ps. I'm also glad this was the first post I've ever read on your blog!! I can already tell I like you :) you are genuine and true and those are great things to be, especially in blog world!!

Heather Burris said...

this is great! really appreciate your honesty and boldness

Victoria said...

wonderfully pure and honest post!! thanks for sharing and making others feel just like you and it is beyond ok because it is His plan and hope :)

Amy said...

Courage. Bravery. Honesty. Humility. Forgiven. Struggle. Joy. Happiness. Redemption.
Those are all things that i gathered from this post.
I, too, have struggled with this specific sin and it eats you alive. I believe because it's a sin directly against our bodies, God's temple. It effects us in ways that i don't think we even fully understand. <3
Thank you for being so honest, for sharing your heart.
Purity is DEFINITELY the way to go. I tell my young girls in youth group all of the time that if i could go back and tell myself the heartbreak that fooling around will end up giving you...i would have thought twice.
I loved this post Amy...seriously, you spoke my heart today; thank you for your bravery.

Linnea said...

I admire you, thanks for sharing. Great post Amy. Some day the right prince will come.

L said...

You, sweet friend, are a gem!!! You can see Jesus shining through these words!! His redemption & grace!! I'm SO proud of you for being vulnerable and writing these life giving words!!!
You are loved!!! And very precious in His sight!! :) :)
So thankful to know you sweet friend!!
Much love!!!

Bri Buzali said...

What a great post, thank you for sharing your heart! I really really admire it.

Chelsea said...

I'm amazed my our God who loves us so much and redeems us from our sins. Like you said, there are still consequences but God can heal us wholly. As someone who has been there, I totally agree. This is so beautifully written and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Kiki said...

You, my friend, are a powerful blogger. Thank you for putting yourself out there (it's awkward and vulnerable and scary all at the same time, right?) and being an inspiration to all that God has done for us and in us. Love your heart and these posts of yours!

Kerrie said...

Amy this post makes my heart swell. I love you girl. So glad God brought you into my life :)

Melissa said...

Let me just say - i admire you so much for being real & honest & transparent with your readers!

What you are saying is the absolute TRUTH.

I waited until i was married. I made that commitment to God when i was just a teenager, having no idea He wouldn't give me a husband until age 30. Ha! Do i regret waiting? NOPE. It was one of the best decisions i ever made. Top 3. :)

It will be the same for you!! Will be praying for you too! xoxo

Anonymous said...

The genuine love God places into your heart is like a lighthouse shining bright in the darkness of night.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your soul.


Julie said...

Oh sweet girl, this is beautiful. I'm so glad you shared this Amy. I have struggled with the very same things. Before I became a Christian I did things I'm not proud of and my heart was filled with sin. After becoming a Christian I wondered if God could fix me or if I could be a true Christian because of my past lifestyle. I have learned that YES! He forgives it all and wants to heal us deep in our hearts from that sin. It's still hard to grasp sometimes, and I struggle with my past once and while. But I'm so glad to hear that you've realized there's no "un-doing" Jesus because that is the perfect way to put it! I'm so grateful for you friend :)

Jennifer said...

Wow. Just wow. So glad you published this. Love every word of it. You're an amazing woman and I am so glad we get to share in each other's lives! :)

Erin said...

Proud of you for writing this and thankful for you, so thankful for sisters in Christ who share a heart for purity. Love!! xo

Rach @ This Italian Family said...

You know the song "Amazing Grace" by Chris Tomlin? He sings, "My chains are gone, I've been set free! My God, my Savior, has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace!" such powerful lyrics and so true. This post makes me think of that song. What AMAZING grace that has saved us and washed away those sins. Thank you for sharing your heart, friend!

Crystal said...

This is a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing!