What I want to tell you

I'm sitting here in bed at 10:42PM listening to the rain, and trying to figure out how to kick off this blog post. And since I really want to say 'why hello there!' but I've already typed and erased that a few times cause it just doesn't sound right, I figured I may as well get on with it. 

I'm really glad I don't have an English teacher grading these blog posts. Pretty sure she would cringe at that introduction. 

There's just so much that I want to say right now. I want to tell you about the wonderful, fun, relaxing Bachelorette weekend I had in Palm Springs. 

I want to gush about the fact that I've known this girl since second grade, and it's crazy to see how the Lord has worked in each of our lives, and in our friendship. It's equally crazy that in exactly two months from yesterday, I'll be standing beside her as she gets married. Like, woah. 

And just for kicks:

I want to tell you that I'm reading this book: 

I want to tell you how reading Dave Lomas' vulnerable account of his own identity crisis has helped me identify my own. I want to tell you all about my Giant Papillary Conjunctivitis diagnosis, which is basically a super professional way of saying my eyes hate contacts. I would probably make a lot of jokes about it, and say a lot of positive things about how there is so much purpose in this & God is using it for His good and His glory. 

And, to be fair, both of those things are entirely true. God's using my broken eyeballs to do a lot of good in my heart, and it is pretty funny to say that I have broken eyeballs. 

But I also want to tell you that it's hard. I want to be authentic and say that it's shown me how much I was relying on feeling confident in my physical appearance. Sometimes you don't realize you're using something as a crutch until God so graciously takes away the crutch. 

Actually, it's not exactly when He takes it away that you realize it; it's what happens after. It's when you find yourself ugly crying, or grieving like you lost a limb, or feeling the crippling sensation of fear, hoplessness and doubt. All over whatever simple thing was removed in the first place, for me: contacts. 

 I also want to tell you that it's okay to do those things. It's okay to ugly cry; it's okay to grieve when you feel like you don't have a reason to; and it's okay to acknowledge that you feel crippled from fear, hopelessness, or doubt. God doesn't ask us to hide our emotions, and He certainly would never tell us they're invalid. They are valid to Him, because He understands them. He understands them more than we do. 

He doesn't want us to hide from our emotions, He wants us to walk through them with Him. Because guess what: there's a light at the end of the tunnel. A light that we might never have found had we not gone through the crutch-removal surgery in the first place. 

For me, I see that light. I see the fact that my heart and mind and vision are being restored to see beauty the way He sees it. I see that I'm learning to truly find confidence in the Lord above all other things. I see that I'm learning to throw up my hands, and surrender to Him what every part of my flesh wants to control via wikipedia/google/wedMD. I see that I'm learning to trust that He has good plans for me. 

And now that I've turned what I thought would be a tip-of-the-iceberg post into a full blown heres-my-life post, it's your turn. 

What's new with you?

31days // The Second Disclaimer

Before I go further, I want to reiterate something. These 31 days are devoted to writing on purity, and as part of that, I truly feel led to share my story. I feel led to share my past experiences, my lessons, my struggles and the freedom I have found. I feel led to share for you. You, who are reading this story, nodding your head, and thinking "me, too!" You, who are battling with shame from your past, and questioning how you could ever shine for Jesus with a past that feels dirty. You, who want to believe in God and live a life that glorifies Him, but are still struggling with understanding how a relationship can be serious and intimate without sex. Or maybe it's you, who was reading this blog thinking "She's got it all figured it out", and maybe you need to hear that no, she does not. 

I'm here to say that I've been where you've been. And as scary as it is to write such intimate things on the internet, I'm willing to do that for you. Because you deserve to know that you are not alone in this battle. This battle of fighting to live a God-glorifying life when everything in the world (and in our own flesh) seems to do the opposite. 

The one thing I want to say before continuing, is that I am sharing bits and pieces of my story. I am sharing in retrospect, hindsight. I didn't go through life feeling broken and sad all the time, except maybe when I was nursing a break up. I didn't always feel broken, but there were signs that that's exactly what was going on in my heart. 

If you're reading this, feeling like I didn't have a good childhood, then allow me to clarify. I had a wonderful childhood. I was blessed to have an incredible family, and extended family. I was beyond lucky to have many, many amazing friends over the years. A good amount of which are still in my life today. 

I wasn't broken because of ________ (fill in the blank here). I was broken because we live in a broken world, point blank. I just want to reiterate that, because I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming my brokenness on _________ (insert same blank from above here). There wasn't a defining experience that led to it, and there's not something that could have prevented it. It's just the world we live in. All of the pieces may be in place, but they're not going to work properly without the One who made them. 

I promise to try and keep the disclaimers to a minimum, but it's just important for me to get them out when talking about such a deep and personal topic. I want this series to bless people, not upset or hurt people. I never want people from my past to read blog posts and feel responsible for my brokenness, or worse, feel that I didn't appreciate them or their friendship. 

For the record, I wouldn't change a thing about my past. I wouldn't go back and remove the brokenness, even if I could. My brokenness reminds me of how much I need a Savior, and my past helps me remember how much the Lord has changed my heart. 

So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 

// 2 Corinthians 12:9b //