Marriage Mondays - Trust & Control

One of the first lessons I learned about marriage is the importance of grace. "Extend grace" is one of the most common pieces of advice aside from "don't go to bed angry." And that advice becomes extremely applicable as you are learning each other's habits and preferences, noticing what ways you irk one another, and what unintentional ways you can hurt one another. 

Another area where grace is helpful? When you write a post for your "Marriage Mondays" series on a Tuesday evening, ha! Such is life, yes? Good thing there's grace. ;)

Today's post has to do with the 4 legged addition that came into our family last week, and how adopting a puppy reminded me of a valuable lesson for not only marriage, but faith in general. 

We adopted our sweet Koby boy from Santa Barbara's Dog Adoption & Welfare Group. Our apartment has a strict 25 lb. weight limit (we were so relieved Koby met that requirement!), so after some failed attempts due to hesitation at how big a puppy would grow, we decided to keep our options open and look at some full grown dogs. The first one we spotted was a beautiful year and a half old spaniel / dachshund mix named Woody. 

He had a gorgeous, long-haired coat (something I'm a total sucker for), and a seemingly calm demeanor. He looked perfect for us! We were nearly ready to fill out the paperwork before an employee came over & gave us some fair warnings on some behavior issues. Woody had already been returned twice, and they wanted to be sure they found the right owner to ensure he found a forever home. 

As she explained to us the type of training and atmosphere a dog like Woody would need in order to thrive, she said something that really caught my attention and stuck with me. She didn't emphasize the immense amount of behavior therapy that he would need, nor did she drill us on the extensive amount of training we would have to give him; she said, "with the right relationship built upon trust, Woody will learn to feel safe & respect boundaries." {Or something like that.}

She was saying that relationship leads to obedience. And that concept has stuck in my mind ever since. 

We didn't feel in the right place to step into that role in Woody's life, but we have stepped into that role in Koby's life. And I'm so grateful for that employee sharing those wise words with us, because it has helped me focus on building a relationship built on trust with my pup versus trying to control him. And in doing so, we have seen awesome results!

It was this past weekend that I drew a connection between this concept of dog training, and having a relationship with God. It's not only dogs that require trusting relationships, but us humans, too! For so long, I struggled with obeying the Lord. Now, I can see a direct correlation with my obedience of the Lord, and my trust in the Lord. 

As I began to trust the Lord, I began to obey the Lord without a second thought. If I trusted Him, what reason would I have for not obeying Him? Why would I struggle giving up control to someone I trust? Just like a dog can relinquish control to a loving owner, I can relinquish control to a loving God. 

And ding-ding-ding! That's when this lesson related to marriage, for me. Because as one can imagine, sharing your life with another human being involves a lot of giving up control. You go from having total control of everything in your life, to sharing it. You share your finances, you share your time, you share your food. The chores you used to do yourself? The ones that you didn't even realize you were particular over? Yeah, you share those duties now. Sometimes, you do them your way. And sometimes, he does them his. 

I didn't think I was controlling before, but boy! Do I see it with new light now. It's something I'm consistently working on, how to surrender control gracefully instead of forcing my hand, and my way. 

So this lesson? For me, it showed that if I have a loving, trusting relationship, I can joyfully yield control. My dog does not fight me for control of his leash, does he? And just as I hold the leash directing him, I know Who holds the reins in my life. So whether it's yielding control to my husband, or yielding control to my God, either can be done when I remember how much I trust, respect & adore them both. 

And on that note, another guy I adore? Koby. Here's a video of our first week together as a family of 3, if you'd like an extra dose of cuteness for your day. :)

Happy Humpday, friends! Thanks for reading. It blesses me more than I can say!

Marriage Mondays - The First "Fight"

Hi, friends! I got the idea a few weeks ago to start a weekly series called "Marriage Mondays", partly to hold myself accountable to consistent blogging (which I miss SO much!), and partly to chronicle our first married year. 

I always loved reading about the marriages of other bloggers during my single years; it was so raw & real, and yet HEALTHY too. It inspired me as to what to look towards in a marriage of my own one day, and I'm so grateful for those bloggers sharing their lives with little ol' me. It impacted me more than I could say. 

I can't guarantee the content of these posts, mainly because I can't guarantee the content of this first year! But what I can guarantee is an authentic look into how God is moving in the marriage of PJ & A. I can guarantee a transparent view of two human beings trying to merge into one life, and the simultaneous beauty & mess that can transpire as that happens. 

And, what I can guarantee the most is the mush & the gush of how insanely grateful I am to have Philip James Cosentino as my husband. Because boy, did I marry up. ;) 

I had a total vision for this first post. It was either going to be an account of our first married date night, or a letter to single me encouraging her to be patient. Both of which likely would have detailed the flowery parts of our first {almost} month of marriage, which would have been entirely accurate because boy have there been a lot of that!

But then, life happened. And I find myself actually sitting down to blog after an incident that taught me much, and deserves to be recounted. An incident that shows that for anyone like me or PJ, with a dating past that wasn't the healthiest, there are very real consequences for that. 

I don't mean consequence in a bad way, like a punishment; I mean more of a chain-reaction series of events. Our hearts get marked by dramatic times in our lives, and even though some people can walk through break-ups without a single scar, most can't. Most of us walk out with new emotional responses to situations that we may not acknowledge until they stare us straight in the face. Like mine did last night!

I don't get mad at PJ often, and when I do, it's often my own moodiness to blame. He is so dang wonderful at being a human being, that he's hard to get mad at. Don't get me wrong, I still find ways to get frustrated. It's just usually harmless things (most of the time that don't warrant frustration), so we move onwards from it quickly.

Last night, I found myself deeply angry at my husband. I put the word fight in quotation marks in the title because it was pretty much me fighting with myself, but my level of anger felt like it warranted the description of our first fight. And my level of anger was not warranted, given what happened. It was a simple absent-minded mistake of PJ's, having to do with miscommunication, that was in no way, shape or form intended to hurt me. 

And yet it did. And instead of responding with the buckets of grace that I would have liked to, I felt like I somehow time traveled 6 years in the past to 21 year old Amy handling relationship drama. I praised Jesus for removing alcohol from my life, because being at a birthday party, things could have gotten reallll sloppy. Or at least sloppier than sober Amy made them, ha! 

I couldn't put the pin point on WHY I was so angry, I just was. I was in a state of mind that the genuine words "I'm so sorry" couldn't even penetrate. And it wasn't until later in the evening that I realized that my anger 100% was a defense mechanism. I was not angry, I was hurt. And I was not treating PJ like my loving husband whom I trust with all my heart, but like my past. Like the relationships where I never felt stable & secure as I do with him. 

I share this to show that our marriage is just like any other marriage. We are two human beings coming together, and learning more about each other every single day. We are two human beings with nearly 25 years of life lived before we even knew the other existed. We are two human beings with triggers, scars, and lessons that came out of those 25 years of living. 

BUT, we are also 2 human beings that have been bought & redeemed by the blood of Christ. We are 2 human beings that seek to live transformed lives every. single. day. We are 2 human beings that know that we need Jesus more than each other. And in a world where the divorce rate is climbing by the minute, THAT is where my hope comes from that my marriage will not add to that rate. 

I am thankful for grace this morning. PJ needed it last night, and I did too. And thankfully, God never fails to extend grace like I did last night. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23), and by His grace, we get to continue growing & learning how to move from the unhealthy situations of our past to the opposite. We get to take those emotional responses learned from the past, and retrain them. Because PJ is not my past, and I am not his. 

By the grace of God, we get to be each other's future. And that will have me happy dancing and raising all the praise hands into eternity. 

My Better

I don't often hear audibly from God. I always feel His leading, constantly experience His peace, and I know He's there. But tangibly hear a voice that's not my own? That's pretty rare. 

So when it happens? You bet I hold onto it. 

***

It seemed like a typical Sunday. Besides the fact that I was coming off a church conference high, everything else seemed normal. I woke up, got ready, made my way to the high-school-turned-church down the street, embarked on my usual round of greetings/hugs, and went into the theater for service. 

Worship started, and I was whole-heartedly worshiping, while utilizing the spiritual gift of multi tasking. {you know you've done it too}

My mind was in two places, half focusing on the powerful lyrics of praise, and half focusing on a potential love interest. Thoughts were swirling as we sat for a slower song, which is usually my prime time to channel my inner rebel and stand. But for some reason, this time I sat. I sat, and I thought. 

When I was just about to reach a personal record for the amount of over-analyzing performed during a worship set, a voice stopped me. Clear as a bell, I heard the words that I haven't since forgotten. 

Amy, I have better for you.

The sentence repeated itself a handful of times, as my mind just soaked in that moment. It took me a while to come back enough to realize I had missed the cue to stand, and was now the sole individual sitting in the midst of a raised audience. 

Dang, I thought to myself. 

I wrote it down. I let that promise sink in good and deep, because I knew there was no other alternative for processing a word like that from God. 

It had nothing to do with the person on my mind, and everything to do with a loving Father trying to get His daughter's attention. Mission completed, Big Guy. 

I didn't know exactly what "better" was, but I knew my God was revealing to me that He had a different plan. And praise the Lord, I was finally at a place of trusting Him enough to know that

His plan is the only one I want. 

***

We were driving in the car, stuck in San Francisco traffic. I knew I was falling pretty hard when I didn't want the traffic to clear. I was enjoying just being with him, miles of break lights and all. 

There were moments of silence, and I actually enjoyed them. They gave me time to soak up everything that was happening, the butterflies and the magic and the jitters of a new relationship. The stuff that you never want to go away. 

In one of those silent seconds, that story came to me. I went back to that moment of hearing that promise from God, and I smiled from head to toe realizing the truth of that statement. 

I looked down at our holding hands. I've got a story for you, I said. 

I finished, and paused. With the biggest smile on my face, I squeezed his hand a little tighter. 

You're my better, I said. 

***

He has so much better for us, guys. I never want to forget that promise that was given to me that Sunday morning, because I never want to settle for less than His plan. 

It's not just with relationships. He has a perfect plan for me, and a perfect plan for you. So easily we can look to this world, and try to figure it out on our own. Try to accomplish our dreams, go after our goals, strive to be the person we want to be. 

Guys, He's got better for us. So much better. And I hope, and I pray that none of us miss it. 

Favorites & Lessons {Of 23} // Vol. 5

First of all, thank you all so much for your sweet comments on all of these posts. 

Thank you for walking down memory lane with me this week. 

And thank you for walking through this past year with me. 

All of my good days where I came here to laugh, rejoice & praise God with you. 

And all of my not-so-good days where I came here to share my heart. 

You guys are amazing. 

And I love you all. 

So, so much.

And now, for the end of this series. The last 4 things on my favorites & lessons list. 

I'm not gonna lie, I saved the best for last :)

It's time to confess that I've been keeping something from you guys these past 6 weeks.  

I know, I know. How dare me. 

Fear not, no more secrets. 

Blog friends, meet Chris. 

There have been so many times that I wanted to share this with you all. But judging by how fast my heart is beating as I type these words, I can tell that right now is the perfect time. 

Right now, as I'm recapping my 23rd year, it only makes sense to share the most exciting part of it. To share all of my favorites & lessons from these past 6 weeks. Because there have been 

a lot of those. 

Twenty // I have learned that God really will write your love story. And I've learned that it's true what they say, His version will be 100X better than what you ever could have dreamed up for yourself. 

I have no idea what God has in store for Chris and I. I know that it's only by Him that we are where we are today. I know that we both feel an immense amount of confirmation from God that we are supposed to be in this relationship. But where the story will end? I don't know. 

But I do know that our story is worth sharing. Our story is a beautiful story of how the Lord works so perfectly in two lives, intertwining them to refine His precious children. He brings people together to build a stronger unit for His glory, and that's exactly what He's done with Chris and I. 

So regardless of how this ends? I am now more convinced than ever before that God really does write beautiful love stories. 

And you can absolutely bet that the entire story of how this beautiful thing came into my life will be shared on the blog at some point. 

Twenty One // May 11, 2013. 

My first date with Chris. 

And it is 100% one of my favorite moments of 23. 

{Sidenote: May 11, 2012 was the day that Chris & I had our first conversation. 

Coincidence? I think not.}

Twenty Two // I learned that there really are men who will hold the door open for you. Who will pray for you. Who will tell you that you look beautiful, but even more importantly, who will tell you that your faith is beautiful. 

And ladies, for those of you who are still waiting, it's worth waiting for. 

You deserve to have the door held for you. 

You deserve to be prayed for. 

You deserve to be told that you are beautiful. 

And you deserve to be told that your faith is beautiful. 

Don't ever forget that. 

Twenty Three // I learned that relationships are hard. 

You read that right, I said that I learned that relationships are hard. Even the most beautiful, godly relationships take work and effort. In these past 6 weeks, I have learned so much about myself. 

It's easy to ignore your fears and insecurities when they are only affecting you. But when you watch as your fears and insecurities affect someone else? That's when you realize that it's time to address them. 

And that's what I love about this relationship. Chris has never once critiqued me (it's been 6 weeks ladies, I'm sure that will come in time). He has never once asked me to change, or work on something. 

And yet without saying anything, he challenges me to grow. He challenges me to improve myself, strengthen myself, and be more like Jesus. 

I've never had a relationship like that before. And this is absolutely something that I am willing to fight for. To fight through those hard moments, the moments of doubts and fears and insecurities. 

Because those moments are real, and they happen. 

But when God is in a relationship? You can bet that He will carry you through the hard times. And you can bet that He will strengthen the relationship through them. 

***

And there you have it folks, my 23 favorite moments & lessons of 23. 

Chris, thank you for making these past 6 weeks so incredible. Thank you for all that you do for me, all of the ways that you bless me every. single. day. 

Thank you for supporting me. And thank you for your patience as we have gone through this transition together. 

I look forward to all that 24 will bring, especially with you in it :)

And blog friends, that goes for you too!

Happy Friday, my loves!