Sweet Home Santa Barbara

Monday, March 23, 2015

Love Without Sex || 3

For those that don't know the story of how PJ and I met, you can read it all here. It's my favorite story to tell, but for the sake of staying on topic, I'll condense. 

We exchanged our first words at the hotel bar, where family + the bridal party were gathered after the rehearsal dinner. We literally shared maybe 2 sentences; he learned that I wore glasses & didn't drink, and I learned that he was "crashing" the wedding. It was 100% a "he caught my eye from across the room" moment, but zero part of me expected him to be interested. I also didn't know enough about him to be interested beyond the point of finding him extremely attractive. ;)

It wasn't until the reception that all the Disney-topping dreaminess unfolded. And it wasn't until he cheersed my glass of sparkling cider and gave me a sweet compliment that I cued in to the fact that maybe, just maybe, he was interested. 

{A snapchat I sent a handful of girlfriends the day after the wedding. So glad one of them screen shotted this ;) }

So, let's get back to the whole point of this series. Sex. 

I brought up my boundaries with physical intimacy the night of the wedding. Yupp, you read that right. The first night we met. 

It may have been a bit bold, and I very likely could have scared him off. But one: I wanted to scare off any one who wasn't right. I had faith that one day, there would be someone who was right, so I wasn't afraid of losing the others. 

And two: there was actually another girl pursuing PJ that night {dun dun dunnnn}. I really love this part of our story because looking back, it gave each of us an opportunity to care for the other from the first moment we met. 

For me? I wanted PJ to have an exact expectation of what he was pursuing by going after me. I didn't want him to have any regrets at the end of the night, so I figured if he wanted sex at all before marriage, he deserved to know that I didn't. I knew he had other options, and I wanted him to be able to take that other road if it aligned more closely with what he was looking for. 

For him? Having other options blessed the heck out of me when he chose me. And he did so even after I gave him a big ol' stop sign for intimacy before marriage. He was able to take that information, and make a clear decision to still pursue me. 

Girls, there are guys out there who will pursue you even after you speak out about your boundaries and beliefs. And the ones who don't? I know it's easier said than done, but love them and yourself enough to let them go. 

PJ asked if he could kiss me that night, as we sat on a bench looking out at the ocean. It was the most romantic evening of my life, but something in me was able to clearly think & articulate "I really want to, but I know it would mean more if we actually get to see each other again."

To this day, PJ always says that me saying no blessed him. It showed him that I wanted to see him again. And you better believe that I did. :)

We had 3 weeks between the wedding and our first "date." 3 weeks of Face Timing, late night phone calls, and consistent texting back and forth. 3 long weeks of no physical interaction for two very physical people. We love holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and yes, kissing. So the fact that we fell hard for one another without any of those things meant a lot. 

Since that period, we have never gone that long without seeing each other. But I love that our love began through simply communicating. I got to know his heart, not what a good kisser he is. I got to feel pursed because he asked how my day was, not because he jumped on top of me. 

It's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. And I don't doubt that it has to do with the fact that it began with emotional intimacy, not physical intimacy. I'm fairly certain that any two people who are attracted to one another can experience physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy is a bit harder to attain. 

I was instantly attracted to PJ, hence why our relationship started so quickly. But our friendship? That took time to deepen. I had to get to know his heart and his mind before I could trust him to advise me wisely in moments of trial. And now, it means sooooo much that he is the first person I turn to for advice. And he is the first person I turn to when I have good news to share. He is not just my boyfriend; he truly is my very best friend. 

Our chemistry was immediate, but our friendship had to grow. 

I never really took the time to truly grow and cultivate emotional intimacy or friendship in my other relationships, because physical intimacy became the primary, and arguably only, way of connection. 

I can honestly and whole heartedly say that with PJ, there is such an abundance of intimacy in our relationship, that I don't feel even a hint of lacking from the physical boundaries in our relationship. 

Those 3 weeks felt awfully long between when we met and when I went to visit him for our first date. They especially felt long because I did want to kiss him. Even though I said no that first night on the bench, of course I wanted to kiss this man that gave me butterflies & made me weak in the knees like no man before. 

It was a long 3 weeks, but when I finally got to see him again? When he picked me up at the janky hotel I had rented a room at, and when we drove holding hands to the Oakland A's stadium for a game against my Red Sox? And when I knew that I was about to have my first kiss with him? Absolutely zero part of me was regretting the wait. 100% of me was thankful that we waited until we knew, this was real. 

And when we had that long-awaited first kiss standing in line for the metal detector? Surrounded by people, but apparently both of us just couldn't wait any longer? 

It was perfect. And it was worth the wait. 

Whenever this whole waiting until marriage thing gets hard, I think about how thankful we both are that we waited for our first kiss. I think about how when we got to have it? There was not a single regret in our minds of the timing. 

And I just know that just like our unplanned first kiss in line for the metal detector, it will be perfect. 

And it will be worth the wait. 


Here's where you get to chime in!

First off, thank you so much for those of you who have given positive & encouraging feedback about this series. It has truly blessed both PJ and me!

We want to hear from you! Do you have any questions? As a final post, PJ and I are willing & excited to answer any questions you may have. 

Feel free to ask questions below (yes, you can do so anonymously!), or you can e-mail me at sweethomesbblog (at) gmail.com. 

We look forward to hearing from you! And thank you so much for following along in this series that is so close to both of our hearts. 

We love you guys!


Pamela said...

love this, your heart, your beliefs, everything!

Unknown said...

Oh I have so much to say. 1) Is he from Oakland? Or did you just happen to meet there for this date? That's where I grew up! So the fact that you went to an A's game kind of made me all giddy because my dad held season tickets and I grew up going there. But also, he is a red sox fan like crazy. Anywho...I couldn't wait to come and hear your heart on this subject and I am so proud of you for speaking up about this. It is a hard topic to write about, and it's hard to be open about. But girl you are doing so great. And as a woman who had a lot of the same struggles and thoughts about sex before really discovering what the Lord had to say about it, I know this is so incredible for some of these young ladies to read. I am rooting for you in this series girl. You are incredible and I love your heart!

The Pink Growl said...

I'm with you on being up front about your beliefs right from the first conversation with someone. It's important to show them how you really feel and what you believe and if they don't agree that's okay and no time wasted.

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL. So blessed by you words.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and I resonate with so many of the things you've mentioned in this series. I was wondering how he accepted your sexual past and if that's had an impact. And if he had one, how did you accept that and forgive?