Contentment in Waiting

This past weekend, I had the privilege of standing beside one of my very best friends as she said the two powerful and pivotal words, "I do." 

Ever since her engagement last December, I've imagined this day. And so much of it turned out precisely as I thought it would. Her looking positively radiant in her gorgeous white dress, the epic reunion that would unfold between college friends who haven't seen each other in years, and the amount of fun that would be had as we danced the night away. 

It was a wonderful, wonderful wedding day. And I couldn't be happier for my two friends. 

But here's what didn't pan out the way I expected it would. 

I thought there'd be a pretty, shiny ring on that bare left hand. I thought there'd be another wedding in the books for these final few months of 2015, mine. 

And at this point in the post, I'm sure there are many minds wondering why I'd confess such a personal detail of my relationship and life on the internet.

So here's why:

I want to write about this now. I want to write about this before that pretty, shiny ring takes up permanent residence on that left hand. I want to write about this before there's any wedding in the books for me. I want to write in the midst of waiting to proclaim that in a waiting season, there is absolutely hope for contentment before the happy ending. 

PJ and I have talked about marriage since legitimately the night we met. Call us crazy, call us unconventional, but it's just how things worked for us. So everything I write in this post has already been processed between us. Together. 

There are so many details about this time in our lives that I would love to document one day. All of the details that led to my expectations, and all of the things that I have yet to know about that brought us to where we are today. It's all such a beautiful story, and I don't believe any of it was a mistake or a coincidence. 

I don't regret the amount that PJ and I have talked about marriage. I don't regret the dreams that we discussed together, the conversations that created this timeline in my mind. I don't for one second wish that things went the way I thought they would. 

Let me say that one more time, even if it's just for myself. 

I don't, for even one second, wish that things went the way I thought they would. 

I have learned more in these past 4 months about patience and contentment than I have in my entire life. If PJ and I had gotten engaged when I thought we would, I would have missed this. I would have missed these precious things that God has been teaching me through this process. 

My relationship is stronger because of this. Our communication is stronger because of this. My trust in PJ is stronger because of this. 

When my plan was torn up, I started to trust. 

Because when a very plan-oriented person is left without a plan, that's all she can do. 

I started to trust PJ when he lovingly told me to be patient. 

I started to trust him when he assured me that he is seeking God in every detail of our relationship. 

And on an even bigger and more important scale, I started to trust God. 

I remembered that this life isn't about my plan, it's all about His. And His plan is a good one, even and especially when it doesn't look like mine. 

I've come to look at contentment as not something to strive for, but instead, something to praise God for. 

Through the rough points in this waiting process, I would get so frustrated with myself. Here I was, with a boyfriend far beyond what I could ever ask or hope for, and I found myself battling discontent because I was aching for him to be more than my boyfriend. 

I would get loving, good advice from others to seek contentment, and to be thankful. 

And I was, I was and still am so thankful. Even through this process, I have never once stopped considering my relationship a pure gift from God Himself. 

Yet my heart still had (and has) moments of aching for more, aching for the future. 

So now, I have a different approach. Now, I consider contentment a gift. And therefore, whenever I find myself feeling truly and blissfully content (and it's often these days!), I stop and praise God. 

I thank Him, knowing that it is nothing I can muster up on my own. 

And when I don't feel it? When I'm stuck mourning my expectations, when I'm stuck wishing away my present for my future, I press in. I don't shame myself for it anymore, I simply let the tears fall. I blast the worship music. I let myself feel. 

I remind myself that it will pass, and that it's okay. It's okay to mourn expectations that don't pan out, it's healthy to grieve and feel and cry. 

Waiting is a part of this life, because whether we recognize it or not, we are all waiting for a perfect world where every fiber of our being is satisfied in the God who created us. Where there are no more expectations to wait on, because every expectation is met by our being in the presence of our loving Creator. 

So in this life, we will wait. We will have expectations that don't pan out, and we will find ourselves battling discontentment. 

But guess what else? 

In this life, we can find true joy. And in this life, we can find genuine contentment. 

And today's post is all about the fact that contentment does not hinge on circumstance. I am not engaged yet, and yet I spent this past Saturday praising God for that very fact. 

Here I was, in a situation that could have very well sent me into a crying spiral over the fact that my plan didn't work out as I thought it would, and instead I was praising God for that very fact. Instead, I was thanking God that my plan did not work out. Because for that reason, I have learned valuable lessons that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

When our plans don't work out, we see more of His. And we remember that every. single. detail of our lives give glory to Him. Even our disappointments can be used to praise Him. 

 So friend, if you are in the midst of a waiting season, I hope to encourage you that contentment is in the hand of your Father, not your circumstance. And perhaps your situation is more painful than mine, and if so, I truly wish I could listen to you and hug you and wait with you. 

But I truly believe that that statement still holds true. So I pray that today, you can rest in that. 

Love you, friends. Thank you for venturing through this life with me, the ups and the downs and the things in between. I'm thankful that they all have purpose, and they all bring God glory. 

I Stopped Looking

I always heard "it will happen when you stop looking." And over the course of the last 3 months, I've found that statement to be entirely true. But not for the reasons I thought. 

I always heard that statement, and thought it was just the way the universe worked. It can make it feel an awful lot like God is just sitting up there basing your future husband on your current behavior. Like, the second you say "okay God! I stop looking!" He says "Congratulations! Now you may have the man of your dreams!"

It can really affect a girl's motives when she thinks that God is waiting on her to bring love into her life. At least for me, it did. Until it didn't anymore. Until one day, it finally clicked that God doesn't work that way. My behavior never earns blessings or punishment. It absolutely yields consequences, but it doesn't change the way God feels about me. His timing is perfect, and He's not waiting on me for anything. 

But like I said, I do believe it happens when you stop looking, this love thing. And allow me to explain why. 

I stopped looking. For just over 6 months prior to meeting Peej, I completely eliminated dating from my life. And in those 6 months, my entire mindset about dating and relationships and love changed. 

God took me on an adventure in those 6 months. It's not like I stopped noticing boys, or stopped dreaming about one day falling in love and living happily ever after. I did notice boys, and I did dream of love. Very much so. 

In those 6 months though, I took a step back. For the first time, I started seeing things clearly, and it's probably because I was seeing them from a distance. I started really realizing the qualities I was looking for in a man. And you know what, I don't think it was just the qualities that I was looking for. I think God used that time to show me what He wants for me. How sweet is that? He's such a protective and loving Father. 

My whole life, I would find myself attracted to and dating men that were entirely different than the things I claimed I wanted. For the first time, in those 6 months I saw my attractions change. I found myself attracted to the characteristics on that list that God was writing for me. 

When I stopped looking, I stopped settling. Not necessarily settling in regards to people, I don't like to speak about people like that. I mean settling in regards to love. 

I wanted a specific type of love. I wanted a love that brought butterflies to my stomach, and fire to my heart. I wanted a love that was safe, a love that was honest, and real. I wanted a love full of laughter, and adventures, and passion. I wanted a love that fully captured my eyes and my heart. I wanted a love that was shared, and strong enough to withstand trials. And most importantly, I wanted a love completely centered on Jesus. 

When I was looking, I was settling for less than that love. When I finally felt like enough on my own, when I finally felt like God's love was enough to satisfy that hunger in my heart, I stopped looking. And when I stopped looking, I stopped settling. 

I had clarity when I met PJ. I was able to meet him, and though I was swooning over his handsome looks and incredibly kind words, I was able to keep my mind focused on the goal. The goal was a life full of God's best. 

I knew God's best would be nothing short of the love that my heart desired. So I asked the tough questions, and had the serious conversations, and with the aid of some light-hearted sarcasm and joking, I got my answer. And I got it fast. 

I think it happens when you stop looking, because when you stop looking, it's a lot easier to start thinking. To think about what you want, and to think about what you don't. And to discern when you meet someone which category they fall into, and act accordingly.  

I'm so grateful for those 6+ months sans-dating pre-Peej. I'm so thankful for what they did to my mind, and my heart. I can honestly say I would not be capable of this kind of love without the serious work God did in me in that season. 

After all, there's no reason to look with God, is there? He really is enough. And He really is capable of bringing the very best of love stories into our life, isn't He? 

And because I haven't yet said it on any form of social media, allow me to say it here first. This is where it all started anyhow, it's only appropriate. 

I am insanely in love with this man. 

Life Update - Part 1

I've got 2 big ol' posts coming for you this week, and I'm hoping that I have the quality time to sit down and pour out the words that they both deserve. Fortunately, I have that tonight. So I'm going to plop myself on the floor, lean my back against my bed, and say a prayer. Because my words are nothing without prayer first. 

***

I scoured google to find this image prior to writing this post. I couldn't remember the exact quote, but I knew it was perfect. I knew the words were perfect, and I know that they're true. If you take anything away from this post, take that message away. Not all love stories get to have the "happily ever after" ending, but they can all have love in there. They can all have beauty, and growth, and lessons. If you let them. 

Chris and I aren't seeing each other anymore. If you're super confused about all of this, you may have missed the post in which I announced his existence. Go ahead and read it now, if you want to. It's a beautiful post, and not a single part of me regrets writing it. I'm happy to share this with all of you, I really am. 

We dated for 2 months, and those 8 weeks taught me and changed me more than all of my other relationships combined. For the first time in my life, I was privileged to date a man who truly, truly loves Jesus Christ. He has the love of Christ so deeply embedded in him, that he couldn't not show me Christ's love. Everything he did, whether it was opening my door for me, leaving a note on my doorstep, sending a text to ask how my day was going, or just a single glance in my direction, everything was filled with the love of God. I have never felt so loved in my entire life, and I have no doubt that God used this to show me what that feels like. 

So what happened, you ask? Well, I won't go too far into detail on here. Partially for privacy reasons (blog? privacy? huh?), and partially because there just isn't a simple answer. It just didn't feel right, and that's okay. I'll say it one more time: not every love story is meant to have the "happily ever after" ending. 

But you know what? Ours does. It does because Chris and I will live happily ever after. 

Just maybe not with each other. 

I'm sure you may be feeling tempted to leave an "I'm so sorry!!!" comment, but honestly, I don't think this calls for one. This is a situation where two people want nothing more than to live lives that glorify God, and with our 8 week long relationship, we did just that. We surrendered everything up to God from day 1, and trusted Him with every fiber of our hearts. We challenged each other to be more like Christ. We stumbled, tripped, made mistakes, learned from mistakes. And we sure as heck are walking away knowing ourselves a whole lot better than when we walked in. 

If there's one thing that I learned from this, it's that it is 100% impossible to mess up God's plan. I spent so much time asking for a clear cut, neon flashing light sign to show me what to do. 

But guess what, I didn't find one. What I found instead was the freedom to listen to my heart, and make the decision that felt right. What I found instead was God's promise to bless Chris and me, no matter what we chose. 

We could have stuck it out. There really wasn't any dramatic reason for us ending; we could have continued and God absolutely would have blessed us in our relationship. But instead, we chose to believe that maybe, just maybe, God has other people in store for us. 

And so, the story of Chris and Amy turns out to be a short story versus an epic novel. But it's one that leaves me knowing more about what I'm looking for in a relationship, more about myself, and more about God and His love for me. 

And that, my friends, is a very successful relationship in my book. 

Favorites & Lessons {Of 23} // Vol. 5

First of all, thank you all so much for your sweet comments on all of these posts. 

Thank you for walking down memory lane with me this week. 

And thank you for walking through this past year with me. 

All of my good days where I came here to laugh, rejoice & praise God with you. 

And all of my not-so-good days where I came here to share my heart. 

You guys are amazing. 

And I love you all. 

So, so much.

And now, for the end of this series. The last 4 things on my favorites & lessons list. 

I'm not gonna lie, I saved the best for last :)

It's time to confess that I've been keeping something from you guys these past 6 weeks.  

I know, I know. How dare me. 

Fear not, no more secrets. 

Blog friends, meet Chris. 

There have been so many times that I wanted to share this with you all. But judging by how fast my heart is beating as I type these words, I can tell that right now is the perfect time. 

Right now, as I'm recapping my 23rd year, it only makes sense to share the most exciting part of it. To share all of my favorites & lessons from these past 6 weeks. Because there have been 

a lot of those. 

Twenty // I have learned that God really will write your love story. And I've learned that it's true what they say, His version will be 100X better than what you ever could have dreamed up for yourself. 

I have no idea what God has in store for Chris and I. I know that it's only by Him that we are where we are today. I know that we both feel an immense amount of confirmation from God that we are supposed to be in this relationship. But where the story will end? I don't know. 

But I do know that our story is worth sharing. Our story is a beautiful story of how the Lord works so perfectly in two lives, intertwining them to refine His precious children. He brings people together to build a stronger unit for His glory, and that's exactly what He's done with Chris and I. 

So regardless of how this ends? I am now more convinced than ever before that God really does write beautiful love stories. 

And you can absolutely bet that the entire story of how this beautiful thing came into my life will be shared on the blog at some point. 

Twenty One // May 11, 2013. 

My first date with Chris. 

And it is 100% one of my favorite moments of 23. 

{Sidenote: May 11, 2012 was the day that Chris & I had our first conversation. 

Coincidence? I think not.}

Twenty Two // I learned that there really are men who will hold the door open for you. Who will pray for you. Who will tell you that you look beautiful, but even more importantly, who will tell you that your faith is beautiful. 

And ladies, for those of you who are still waiting, it's worth waiting for. 

You deserve to have the door held for you. 

You deserve to be prayed for. 

You deserve to be told that you are beautiful. 

And you deserve to be told that your faith is beautiful. 

Don't ever forget that. 

Twenty Three // I learned that relationships are hard. 

You read that right, I said that I learned that relationships are hard. Even the most beautiful, godly relationships take work and effort. In these past 6 weeks, I have learned so much about myself. 

It's easy to ignore your fears and insecurities when they are only affecting you. But when you watch as your fears and insecurities affect someone else? That's when you realize that it's time to address them. 

And that's what I love about this relationship. Chris has never once critiqued me (it's been 6 weeks ladies, I'm sure that will come in time). He has never once asked me to change, or work on something. 

And yet without saying anything, he challenges me to grow. He challenges me to improve myself, strengthen myself, and be more like Jesus. 

I've never had a relationship like that before. And this is absolutely something that I am willing to fight for. To fight through those hard moments, the moments of doubts and fears and insecurities. 

Because those moments are real, and they happen. 

But when God is in a relationship? You can bet that He will carry you through the hard times. And you can bet that He will strengthen the relationship through them. 

***

And there you have it folks, my 23 favorite moments & lessons of 23. 

Chris, thank you for making these past 6 weeks so incredible. Thank you for all that you do for me, all of the ways that you bless me every. single. day. 

Thank you for supporting me. And thank you for your patience as we have gone through this transition together. 

I look forward to all that 24 will bring, especially with you in it :)

And blog friends, that goes for you too!

Happy Friday, my loves!

On Dating

Disclaimer: This post is on my heart, but I really have no idea where it's going to go. So expect a lot of babbling, and few pictures.

You okay with that? K cool. Here we go. 

Dating. 

Even just thinking about how old Amy used to approach dating stresses me out. Like stresses me the eff out. Because that's all it was for me: stress. 

And now that I've sufficiently stressed you the eff out with my usage of the word stress (okay, done now), I have some good news. 

In case I haven't mentioned it enough, God has been making some major changes in my heart lately. 

He's been shifting my view, teaching me, molding me into the person that He designed me to be. 

And with those changes, the stress that used to consume so much of my life has turned into the kind of peace that can only come from Jesus Christ, Himself. 

Recently, I had a break through with my dating life. 

You see, when I realized last year that I needed to surrender my entire life to Christ, the main thing I knew I was holding onto was my dating life. 

But guys, I was gripping on for. dear. life. 

We all have those things that we look to for security, right? The things that make us feel important, wanted, validated. 

Maybe for you it's your job, your role as a Mom, or your friendships. 

Maybe it's your leadership role in your church. 

We are constantly seeking approval, and fortunately, Christ releases us from that. He shows us that we are important. We are wanted. And that can never be taken away from us. 

But is it just me, or do we tend to smile at Christ and nod our heads like "Yes, Lord! You're right!" while secretly one hand is reaching out towards our security blanket here on Earth. 

That's how it was for me. And my security blanket: dating. 

I loved being someone's girlfriend. I honestly don't think it mattered who, as long as he had some good things going for him, I was thrilled to assume the position of girlfriend. 

And as I was hearing God cry out to me "I can give you what you're looking for!", I smiled and nodded, but couldn't ignore the voice in the very back of my head that said 
"No God, you can't." 

I think acknowledging that voice was the first step to my redemption. 

Doubt.

It was there. And it was controlling my actions, and my thoughts. 

Even as I was growing closer to God in a way that I never had before, releasing things that I had been holding onto for so long, that doubt caused me to keep one finger's grip. 

And one finger's grip makes all the difference, doesn't it? 

You see, the thing with the Christian life, is there is no middle ground. At least for me, there wasn't. I was either surrendering my whole life, or I wasn't. Point blank. 

And for a long time, I wasn't. 

But now, I am. 

Now, I have looked God in the face, with my hands extended out as far as they can go, and said "Here God! My dating life, you take it."

And I said it in reference to my financial situation, and I'll say it again:

You know what comes along with following His lead?

Peace.