31days // Stirring {My Story Cont.}

I left off with my story in the midst of college, the prime of my drinking and partying years. Through out this time in my life, God was always still there. I was the typical "I'll take Him when I need Him" type of Christian. I went to church when I was feeling broken inside, and the second things shaped up, I hopped back to my normal routine. I didn't see anything wrong with it, probably because I didn't know anything different. That was always how my walk had been, my sin of choice just looked much more drastic now. 

My senior year, I started making church more of a priority. My lifestyle wasn't changing, but I was attending service on Sundays. This is when the Lord started tugging at my heart strings. This is when He started revealing that I had the desire to go deeper. And He did this with community. 

I remember looking around the church congregation, and seeing all sorts of students my age sitting with their friends. I saw people greeting one another, hugging one another, sharing life together. I had been going to church alone for years now, and for the first time, I wanted what I knew I was lacking. I wanted community. 

At this point, I didn't plan to stay in Santa Barbara. That was never the plan, actually. I always saw myself going further South, either back to San Diego or closer to LA. For that reason, I never took a stab at forming community or even friendships within the church I was attending. 

God knew, though. He knew that He had far more to do with me in this little California beach town. So even though I never submitted my resume, I got the phone call for an interview at a local computer software company. An interview turned into a job offer (with some help from the big Man upstairs), and boom. That was that. 

Once I knew I was staying here, I had the desire to grow some roots in the church. I wanted to make some friendships with people my age who shared my faith, so I started attending their Post College - No Kids events. 

God was clearly planting the desire to get closer to Him. He was stirring my heart, and stirring it good. But from an outside perspective, not much was changing. I was still going out just as much as I used to, and now I had the budget (and the legal age limit) to support it. I also was still yearning for the security of a relationship, though my heart was in no place to take part in one. Over the years, it had been dragged through so many unhealthy situations, that there were some serious defense mechanisms in place. 

I started plugging into the church, but still had that "I'll take Him when I need Him" mentality. I didn't even realize that at the time, but I look back now and see that's exactly what was happening. It didn't take much for me to take my eyes off God. All it took was a man to take me by the hand, and be willing to call me his girlfriend. In an effort to get closer to Jesus, I got myself into a relationship instead. 

{PS: I promise, we're almost to the good part :) }